Time to Process...

I realize I never updated after going over the pathology report with my oncologist and the reason is this: I did not like that meeting. It's the first time that I have ever seen my oncologist less than thrilled with the progress that was made and it honestly took quite a while to get the image of him standing there saying, "I'm not very happy" out of my mind. But I've had time to process it now, so here goes.

Now, before you freak out about that statement, the "I'm not very happy", like Matt and I did, there is something you need to know, that's not what he meant - it came out totally wrong. Dr. K's bedside manner is a bit dodgy at times and this was one of those times. The reason I know it's not what he meant is because he said so after he looked at me all confused while I was sitting there on the verge of tears and said, "You don't seem very happy?" to which I replied, "Umm...why would I be happy when you just said YOU aren't happy?". He then went on to explain basically that he WISHED I had had a complete response {don't we all?} and that my nodes had been completely cleared {of course!} and that I didn't have to to radiation {again, don't we all?}. I really believe he was just disappointed that he hadn't given me that miracle, "Oh my goodness it looks like you never even had cancer!", that we had all hoped for in our hearts but knew in our brains wasn't super likely. Next he told me that the features of the cancer that was removed were very favorable, so I did what I didn't think I would ever do {because I never really wanted to know}, and I blatantly asked him what he thought my prognosis was and this is what he said:

"I BELIEVE YOUR PROGNOSIS IS EXCELLENT. I DO NOT THINK YOU WILL RECUR."

I fully realize that he doesn't have a crystal ball and that there is always, always, always a chance for recurrence, no matter how "sure" you are that it won't happen. After all, I have seen stories of women who were stage 1 with no nodes {I am stage 2, with nodes} who go on to recur when everything says they shouldn't. This is a nasty mean little a-hole of a disease. I fully understand that we need to be vigilant and watchful with my care and health and that we will need to do so for years and years and years. I have no intention of getting all cocky about this and slacking on my care because, frankly, that would be stupid on my part and it's unrealistic to think that every.single.cell got annihilated, because we ALL have them floating around! But, I also fully recognize that Dr. K has been doing this for a while and he has seen a lot of patients and read a lot of pathology reports. I trust Dr. K to be my doctor and care for me in the best way he knows how.

Dr. K then proceeded to show me the reasons he believes I have an excellent {his word} prognosis. The fact that the removed cancer {which was small} responded to the herceptin as evidenced by the change in HER2 receptor status was encouraging. There have been studies indicating that change in receptor status has positive effects on outcome. The fact that what remains is HIGHLY estrogen receptor positive is also encouraging. We already know that ER+ cells don't respond all that well to traditional chemotherapy, but it is the ER+ cells that respond to Tamoxifen, so IF there are any cells left floating around in there, they will hopefully be rendered dormant by the little wonder pill, Tamoxifen. In addition to the Tamoxifen, I am also having my ovaries suppressed with Zoladex injections every 3 months in an attempt to shut down estrogen production. If the cells don't have the estrogen, because it's either not there or it's being blocked, they can't divide all willy-nilly like they want. Finally, one of the MOST encouraging things is that my KI67 status {the number that shows how fast the cells are dividing} went from 35% to ONE PERCENT!!!! There have been several studies indicating that people who were not lucky enough to have a pathologically complete response to neoadjuvant chemotherapy, but had a clinical response, had low post-treatment KI67 status, and were ER+ have a comparable prognosis to those people who DO have a complete response {which is excellent!}.

So all in all, the meeting wasn't BAD, it was actually pretty good, as indicated by the only statement that really matters, the one in bold above. But the initial shock of "I'm not very happy." was hard to swallow. Thank GOD Dr. K's wonderful nurse practitioner was in the room to step in and let us know what he was really trying to say. Thank GOD Dr. K spoke up when he was confused about my "unhappiness" so that he could clarify why he said he wasn't happy. Thank GOD that the nurse practitioner was willing to sit with us for an extra 30+ minutes to reassure us and answer our questions. Thank GOD I live in a place where I can get the kind of treatment and care I am getting.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future and I completely trust Him to take care of me and my family.

Now we move forward. Onward, to radiation and tamoxifen and ovarian suppression and herceptin and healing and reconstruction and GETTING BUSY LIVING!!

Thanks for being there friends, and for waiting extra long for this update. XO

Meeting with the Breast Surgeon, the Pathology Report

The following was originally posted to Facebook, but needed to be posted here as well.

Got the path report today, things look good. More than 80% of the original tumor was destroyed, margins are totally clean, I still had 2 positive lymph nodes {which is what we thought - they were also changed by chemo, just not sure how much - have been having nightmares all week that they would find a HUGE number of positive nodes}, and the overall characteristics of what they took out are favorable. I won't get into all of the specifics of the characteristics, but to sum up, it's good news. It was never expected that NOTHING would be found during surgery, it's extremely rare to have a complete response and even more rare when your tumor is as highly Estrogen/ Progesterone positive as mine was. The point is, it's all out now, which was the point of surgery. Any stray cells will be destroyed by tamoxifen, which I will start taking after my probable radiation, will be the biggest weapon in the fight against recurrence, it's an amazing drug targeted at cells that are Estrogen positive. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers, they continue to work, and God continues to remind me that my soul remembers how my body was made. Now, we FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with good care, good food, good exercise, and a healthy spirit to keep the beast away!

After the Surgery, an Update

 The following was originally posted on Facebook, however, I thought I should put it here as well, especially after the "downer" tone of my last post - people might be wondering what the heck happened to me! :~)

Here is a little {long} update for everyone, I guess I should just put it on the ol' blog, but the effort just isn't there right now, so pre-applause for you if you make it to the end. Just wanted you all to know that I am doing well. We are staying at my in-laws for a while so that Matt can have help with the boys while he needs to tend to me at times {people are in and out of our house all day though, so no thieving people, haha!}. I am feeling pretty good. I decided Monday that I was going to stop taking the oxy {because I hate it and it gives me headaches}, then I decided that I didn't want the morphine anymore {for some TMI reasons I won't mention here}, then I decided I only need the valium at bed time {because lets be realistic, valium is awesome!}. So basically, I am taking ibuprofen, an antibiotic and then valium for sleep as well as my regular vitamins and stuff like that. I went out to lunch and for a pedicure with Stacie which was SO NICE since I couldn't get them during chemo! So yes Darin, it was definitely a necessary expense.

The breast surgeon {Dr Mc} was really pleased with how the surgery went, she was able to feel one firm node {which we knew about} when she did the axillary dissection, she said that there were no surprises, but like I have said before we won't know of the status of the other nodes/ tumor until path comes back. She also said that the OR was really quiet and calm, that she was able to give Matthew the most accurate time frame she has ever given and that she listened to classical music as per my request {she loves it as well and it's supposed to aide healing}. Have I mentioned how much I love her? She even told me that she loved the fact that I have a little stuffed animal as a "good luck charm" and that she has a soft spot in her heart for stuffed animals. Now you all probably think I am a dork, but oh well. She's just the sweetest, smartest, most competent surgeon I could have asked for. I felt very well cared for. The plastic surgeon {Dr. B} was SUPER excited that she was able to fill my expanders up quite a bit {she's quite a hoot as well - dropping f-bombs and everything - and she has EIGHT rescue dogs!}, in fact she ran out to the waiting room and told everyone that she "filled me up and I was going to wake up with boobs!" I can't imagine how uncomfortable that conversation made my dad, haha!

So now, we are waiting on the pathology report, which we will receive on Thursday. So we hope and pray that there are no surprises in there. The cancer is out of my body regardless, which is the point of surgery, and the chemo's job was to mop up anything the escaped, but I still don't want to hear that there was more evil in there than we thought. It's just hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am now considered "cancer free" ~ at least that's what everyone says after you have surgery! Even though those words are nice, I feel like it's important for me to add that we will ALWAYS {as will anyone with this diagnosis} have to be aware of checking for recurrence as it is a possibility until I am super old, surrounded by grandkids, and die of something else. It's just the nature of this stupid dumb disease. For now though, we celebrate the fact that surgery removed that beast and we hope that chemo mopped up the rest and we remember that there is a full arsenal of tools in our warrior bank.

So anyway, that's that for now. OH! And the boys are being great, Owen looks SO proud of himself every time he gives me a "gentle hug". Emmett is having some strong emotions, but that's to be expected. He seems to be getting his feelings hurt pretty easily, but we are dealing. There have been a few more time-outs than normal, but we need to stick to our rules and routine.

So, please hope/ pray/ chant/ burn sage/ dance naked under the moon for us that the pathology report comes back with no bad surprises and that we can go forward with the next phases of treatment with ease {likely radiation, herceptin, tamoxifen and then reconstruction of my bionic breasts}.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers and for checking in with my loved ones throughout what was a VERY long day as I didn't get into a room until NINE PM because there wasn't one open {we got to the hospital at 6am}!! And, yes, they did eat, I guess I was a little bit annoyingly obsessed with that one, sorry. :~)

Thoughts on My Upcoming Surgery

I questioned whether to even publish this post, it's not my normal tone, it doesn't make me sound strong or inspirational or any of the words people tend to use when they are talking to me, but the fact of the matter is THIS is my current truth and this blog is ultimately for me and my thoughts, not for making things seems sparkly and rose colored. So if you don't want to read it, but still want to know how you can support us, please scroll to the bottom, beneath the stars.

I have been asked several times this week how I feel about my upcoming surgery on Friday and mostly I have avoided the question because I don't even want to think about it. I'm not is denial, I know it's happening, I know it HAS to happen, but part of me still can't BELIEVE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO OUR FAMILY!!!! I am incredibly sad and more than a little bit pissed off! I take good care of myself, I exercise, I eat relatively well, certainly as well as most of the people I know, but I still got cancer. Cancer doesn't give a shit. Cancer doesn't care about our plans. Cancer certainly doesn't give a crap about our future or about the fact that we were happy. I hate this. I hate stupid cancer. I hate what it has done to my body and how it has invaded my thoughts. I hate drawing on eyebrows every day so I don't look like an alien. I assure you pony-tail and out the door is easier than no hair and drawing on eyebrows every.single.time. I hate that I have no eyelashes to keep my eyes from watering when the wind blows. I hate searching the internet for things like, "what you need for recovery after a mastectomy". I hate packing hospital bags filled with those necessities. I hate going shopping for clothes that will make it easier for me to dress myself when I can barely use my arms - I'll probably want to burn those clothes, what a waste of money. I hate the thought of needing help to wash my face, get dressed and maybe even shower. I HATE HATE HATE and cry at even the thought of not being able to pick up my boys, they are going to be so sad - I tote them around quite a lot. I hate the thought of being under anesthesia for 6-8 hours. I hate thinking about Matt and our family and friends having to wait and worry during that time. I hate thinking about what recovery will be like. I hate worrying about what will be found during surgery, what the pathology report will show. I hate thinking about all of the things that have been put on hold because of stupid cancer, I know it's not really my fault, but it still makes me sad. I hate, I hate, I hate...

In addition to the constant thoughts of anger toward cancer, the other thought that plays on repeat in my head is "I am sorry.". What am I sorry for? I don't know exactly. To whom am I apologizing? I don't know, but it's always there, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.". I guess I am sorry this happened. I am sorry if I didn't really appreciate my body, or hair, or eyebrows, or breasts as much as I should have. Maybe that's why they had to go, maybe I should have been more thankful for those things? But honestly, who out there sits around being thankful for their dang EYEBROWS every day?!?! I am sorry to my husband because I know this isn't the life he imagined when he chose me. I love him so much and I am sorry because I feel like he kind of drew the short end of the stick when he picked me and my messed up body. I am sorry to my parents, because no parent should have to worry about their child in this way. I am sorry to my boys because I feel like I'm not the mom they deserve right now because instead of just enjoying their sweet little selves, sometimes I am just over taken with fear, anger, and sadness. I am also sorry to God, because sometimes I feel like I must have done something to make this happen, that if I were a better person or made all the right choices this wouldn't be our reality, but it is, so I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry...

I know that was probably a lot to take in. Such a downer post, but like I said, right now...in this moment...it's my truth. I know I could write an even lengthier post about all of the things I am thankful for and everything that makes me smile and all of the things that make this life great, but right now I am just sad and pissed off and wondering that unanswerable question, why? Why us? Why now? Why not in 50 years, or 20 years, or hell, even 15? Why. Why. Why.

If you made it through that, thank you for listening. I can honestly tell you I feel better now having written it all out. Now I can go about my day, spend time with my boys, and enjoy the fact that the sun is shining, the leaves are falling and we've got the whole day ahead of us.

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If you are the praying, hoping, chanting, sage burning, well wishing type we could really use you more than ever right now. Please help us with these things:

1. That the chemo worked, the cancer was eradicated and that it is NEVER coming back again. {obviously!)
2. That I can change my mindset from "I am losing some body parts" to "I will soon be cancer free". Maybe I can even get excited about that like my friend Jenna suggests.
3. That the surgery goes smoothly, my body responds well, and that all of the surgeons, nurses, and doctors have steady hands, caring hearts and healing spirits.
4. That Matt, the boys, our family and our friends can feel peace during the surgery and after. Waiting is hard, certainly harder than being knocked out on an operating table. Also, please make them eat. :~)
5. That recovery goes smoothly and even better than expected. My body is strong despite all of this, I know it is.
6. That there are NO surprises during surgery or pathology and we can move on with our new CANCER FREE lives. :~)

One Week and Three Days

It's been one week and three days since my last {please GOD let it be my last!!} chemotherapy treatment ever and one week and three days since I saw a wave of KINDNESS spread across several countries and straight into my heart. I am SO PROUD of my friends, family and even some strangers, so, so proud!  SO.MUCH.GOOD was sent out into the world on that day, which was a REEEAAAALLLLLLY LOOOONNNGGG day, and it made my "time in the spa chair" so much better seeing all of the good deeds pop up on my various social media accounts! Cookies for teachers, lattes for strangers, cupcakes baked by my SIL {which I handed out to the nurses and doctors and they LOVED THEM!!}, meals paid for, gas pumped, help for neighbors, reminders to "check your boobies", food and clothing donated, money to various organizations across the globe, treats for women on bedrest, flowers for people grieving their loved ones, time spent with me and the hubs and a SUPER late lunch {Thanks Shelley for waiting it out with us!}, meal fixins' for an awesome soup, flowers from family, a gift card for pizza night from some old friends/ coworkers, and the makings for the perfect family movie night waiting on our doorstep, all of it made for an awesome day! Thank you for helping me turn a perfectly craptastic situation into something wonderful.

It's been one week and three days of soaking up all of the normal we can, which is a bit difficult with my current situation of a HORRIBLY sore mouth, yuck. I didn't have this issue all through chemotherapy, but now TA-DA!!! I love food and not really being able to eat is a huge bummer. Frown. We've been soaking up the normal, 1) because that's how we roll and 2) because I have SURGERY coming up on Friday the 15th of November. To say I am nervous would be a gross understatement, to say I am not second guessing every decision we have made would be a gianormous lie. I.AM.WORRIED. That's all there really is to it. Worried about what they will find during surgery {which I pray is a completely destroyed tumor and clean lymph nodes}, worried about actually having surgery, worried about recovery, worried about pain, worried about needing help, worried about scaring the boys, etc etc etc. Worry doesn't do any good, it only steals the joy from right now and it certainly doesn't solve anything, but sometimes I just can't stop myself which is pretty upsetting to me. So, here are a few pictures of what we have been doing over the past 10 days to keep the worry from stealing the joy. :~)

Celebrating Halloween with the Minions.

Visiting the new penguins.

Having leaf fights with cousins.

Being weird for the camera.

Chasing Mommy through the trails.

Now, if you are the praying/ wishing/ hoping/ chanting/ good vibe sending type, we could really use your help right now in these areas:

1. That the chemo did it's job, the cancer was destroyed and it will NEVER return again! {obviously}
2. That tomorrow's breast and lymph node ultrasound shows that the tumor/ nodes responded really well to the full course of chemotherapy.
3. That tomorrow's blood work looks A-okay.
4. That tomorrow's discussion with the breast surgeon leaves us feeling good about the decisions we have made and good about the upcoming surgery.
5. That the next days leading up to the surgery can be filled with JOY and LOVE and PEACE and ORDINARY!

Can you tell tomorrow is going to be a big stressful day? Thanks for being there friends. XO

Four, Three, Two...

We have done a few things over the past few days to add to our good deed countdown:

1. We donated a large bag of the boys' too small clothing to the Clay County Clothes Closet. We have donated clothes to this organization on numerous occasions and it never actually appears to be open, so I really hope the boys' old clothes is going to families who need it!
2. My sweet husband donated some of his hard earned monies to a coworker who is raising money for Relentless Detroit {Go Paul!}, an organization that helps children and families of children with terminal or lifelong illness. If you want to donate to Paul's cause, just click on the link there, it can be your good deed for the day. :~)
3. We put quarters in the carts at Aldi AGAIN, now that the boys have done it once, I don't think we will get out of there without putting quarters in the carts. ;~) And yes, I was at Aldi again, they had a really great deal on some Halloween decorations and I just HAD to go back for more, you know how it is. :~) Also, while I was at Aldi buying MORE Halloween decorations, someone did my FAVORITE good deed for me, a nice older lady let the boys and I go in front of her in line because we only had a few things. I LOVE when people do that! I am sure she knew that sometimes waiting in line to pay is the worst time for young kids. Yay lady!
4. I did the unplanned good deed {really this isn't a good deed, it's something any citizen should have done} of returning a boy who appeared to be about 15 months old or so to his father. The boy was playing at an indoor play place, but had somehow made it to the exit of the building without anyone noticing {which is where we found him}. I walked him back to the play place where I found his dad who hadn't noticed he was missing. I get it, when the boys were that age they ran out of that SAME play area ALL.THE.TIME!!!

I am really hoping that tomorrow I see some of YOU post your good deeds here or on my facebook timeline and tag me! Seeing good deeds pop up will be a PERFECT celebration to the end of chemo!

On that note, if you are the praying/ finger crossing/ chanting/ energy sending/ well wishing type, please send some good juju my way for the following:

1. That the chemo is doing is job and eradicating the cancer from my body so that it will NEVER return again! {obviously}
2. That my blood work all looks "good enough" so that I can follow through with my LAST CHEMO HOPEFULLY EVER!!
3. That the side effect remain manageable so that I can do some fun celebrating with my family/ friends and get things ready for Halloween next week!
4. That I have a clear mind so that I can remember to ask Dr. K all of my questions about finishing this portion of treatment and what comes next.
5. That I can be at peace with chemo ending, I know it probably seems insane, but its scary to think about not getting it. It becomes a bit of a safety net and as I have stated before, change is hard.
6. That I can find some clarity about my upcoming surgery, I am conflicted about a couple of things and I just need some peace.

Thanks friends! I hope to see many of you celebrating with me tomorrow by doing good deeds! XO

FIVE...and a CHALLENGE!!

FIVE - The boys and I put quarters in the carts at Aldi {a discount food store where you have to put in a quarter to get a cart}. You DO get your quarter back, but I figured this way people would either GET an extra quarter or pass on the quarter to someone else. :~) We actually saw a couple go up to put a quarter in and notice that they didn't need one and then smile and point to all of the other carts with quarters in them, so that was nice.

 

Emmett and Owen spreading the love at Aldi.

And now the CHALLENGE: I would love to challenge all of my friends and family to do a good deed on Friday, or before, or after, or every day, but on FRIDAY I would love it if you would do a good deed or a random act of kindness and SHARE IT WITH ME! You can share your deeds on my facebook wall {if you are my friend}, or in the comments here, or by email, or with the hashtag {sorry Jimmy and Justin} #10gooddeeds on facebook or instagram. I really think that seeing a wave of LOVE and KINDNESS spread through the world on Friday would be the perfect way for me to celebrate FINISHING CHEMO {hopefully forever!!!}. Please help me spread the love by sharing this with your friends and family.

Thanks All! #10gooddeeds

Eight, Seven, Six...

Well, it looks like I need to get caught up with the ol' bloggity-blog here!

Eight - On Friday, the boys and I made cookies to take to the neighbors {and by the boys and I, I mean I made cookies, they lost interest after Thomas the Train came on}. It started sleeting as we walked back from the grocery store to retrieve my wallet, which I had FORGOTTEN, thank goodness the nice checker just put the groceries and my receipt off to the side and we drove back to pay! It remained rainy and cold for the rest of the day, so Matt took one plate of cookies across the street {as the boys screamed that they "WANTED TO TAKE COOKIES TO THEIR FRIENDS!". We waited until Saturday to deliver the remainder of the cookies during a walk through the neighborhood. I got to spend time catching up with a childhood friend and the fall weather was crisp and cool. Good times. Also, the cookies we made are seriously the best cookies EVER, I can say this because it's not my recipe. Seriously, do yourself a favor and try these things.

Seven - Saturday's "good deed" was brought to you by the wedding of our sweet friend Shelley. She and her new husband were VERY Earth conscious in their wedding plans. They made sure to use recyclable/reusable materials {such as glass mason jars for drinks}, Earth friend decor {such as apples, sticks, wood and hay bails}, and compostable dinner ware for eating all of the SUPER YUMMY FOOD {seriously, I need that beet spread recipe!}. So, because it's always good to reduce~reuse~recycle and be a good friend to the Earth, Shelley and Derick received wedding gifts procured with that in mind. I'm not going to post pictures of the gifts here, because, one, I forgot to take a picture and two, I don't know if they have opened their gifts yet. Although, I am sure they noticed the "vintage" teacup full of dirt and a thyme plant dug from our garden, haha. So instead, here is a picture of Matt and I on our way to the wedding, yes, I realize I look a bit like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in that blonde wig, but hey, the hubs liked it. :~)

Six - I'll admit, this one is going to be kind of lame. Sunday, I went with my Mother-in-law to our local Holiday Mart, where vendors come from all over and set up booths with the idea that hordes of women come in and do some Christmas shopping. It costs money to get in and that money goes to the local Junior League and they do various charity type things with the money <---- so that was the good deed for the day, money to the Junior League. It actually ended up being more charitable than we thought because we had the times wrong and were only able to spend about 45 minutes in there shopping! Oh well! After the Holiday Mart, we met up with my Sister-in-law and Aunt-in-law {is that a thing?} and went to see Wicked. It was my third time seeing Wicked and it was WONDERFUL. I just love that musical and the song Defying Gravity really feels meaningful to me right now. I wish I had a picture of me handing over $15 to spend 45 minutes shopping, but instead, you get this. :~)

NINE

NINE days until my {our} final round of chemo!!!! Today we donated some supplies to our local animal shelter. We called about donating food, but apparently they have a program with Science Diet so their needs were different than we originally thought. So instead, we picked up kitty litter and some bleach and we filled a box with newspaper from the recycle center and headed off to deliver our supplies. The people who work at the shelter are very passionate, they love the animals and really want to find them forever homes, they were also very appreciative of the gifts and very kind to us and our sweet boys, even though they weren't technically open yet. If you are local and have been thinking about adopting a cat or dog, I would recommend checking out the Gladstone Animal Shelter we saw several little sweeties there today that might make a great addition to your family!

The Boys and Mommy organizing and delivery supplies to the shelter.

And the Countdown Begins ~ TEN

TEN!!!! Ten days until my last chemo treatment, hopefully EVER! It's weird, because it feels like I have been doing this FOR-EV-ER, but at the same time it feels like it has gone by pretty quickly. There are still mornings where I wake up and I hope to look in the mirror and find myself with a full head of hair as I realize that this has all been the longest nightmare EVER, but then I think of all of the GOOD that has happened over the past 5 months and I wonder, would I really want to give that up? Sure, I would get rid of this cancer in a heartbeat {and hopefully we HAVE gotten rid of the cancer!}, but I don't want to lose all of the other memories, the sweet ones. I don't want to lose the new friends I have made, all of the lunches and laughing with Shelley while the patients in the other pods probably prayed we would shut the heck up, the time spent at Deanna Rose Farm with Shelley-2 and her sweet boy, watching her help my boys out on the pedal tractors, all of the texts with Jenna and the reassuring messages on Facebook from Cari. I don't want to lose the knowledge that I have probably the best family and friends in the entire world, I mean, I knew it before, but it's set in stone now, never ever to be undone. I don't want to lose all of the meals prepared out of love for our family, all of the care packages from duff, all of the love sent through the mail from friends most of which I have never met, the weekly cards from my Grandma Peggy, all of the nights the boys spent with their grandparents, I know they had so much fun. I don't want to miss out on the shock of Jessica, Aimee, Sara and MaryAnn SHOWING UP and giving me a Labor Day weekend I didn't expect. I don't want to lose all of the simple times my family and I spent together, those trips to the drive-in on "chemo Fridays", falling asleep with the boys in the back of the van as Matt stayed up to watch the second movie, family movie nights at home on our "floor bed", various hotel staycations and the boys' fascination with the "hot-cool" {hot tub}, trips to area festivals, pumpkin patches and the zoo. Sure, some of these things would have happened anyway, but maybe they mean a little bit more now, seem a bit more precious.

So it's with a thankful heart that my family and I want to put some good BACK into the world, after all of the wonderful we have experienced, it only seems right. We will be counting down the ten days to my FINAL {please God, let it be final!} chemo with 10 good deeds over 10 days. I will admit, some of these deeds will be small, but small deeds can sometimes lead to great things. Thank you ALL for your love and support, you have changed our world, by making it a bit better.

 "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has" ~ Margaret Meade

TEN - Picking up trash at the park. The boys were REALLY excited to do this until they thought a tractor was apparently coming to attack them and they started flipping out. Seriously, it was NUTS. I swear I picked up a bit of trash too, but you know, compromised immune system and all. ;~)

One More!!!!

It's been quiet around here! I haven't been good about posting updates and I apologize for that, but honestly, this "chemo brain" thing, well, it's REAL and it sucks and it makes me feel like I can barely function mentally at times and staring at the computer screen and attempting to type something halfway meaningful is about the last thing I want to do!

So instead of trying to be witty or deep or any of that, I'm just going to tell you this: I HAVE ONE MORE ROUND OF CHEMO TO GO!!!! HOPEFULLY EVER!!!!! My last round of chemo {providing that everything goes as planned} is Friday, October 25th. I am hoping to do a little something special to acknowledge this milestone and to give thanks for how blessed our family has been through this process, so be looking out for that on the blog!

Even though chemo is coming to an end, the process of getting well and staying well is far from over. Following chemo, I will have surgery {scheduled right now for November 15th}, after surgery, we will find out if I need radiation {we are REALLY hoping for a complete response so that I do not need radiation}, and then I will be on some kind of anti-hormonal for the next 10 years......wow. Sigh, it's not just pretty pink ribbons is it?

Now, enough with the cancer talk, I want to show you all what we have been doing to GET BUSY LIVING in the midst of all of this crap, because honestly, THIS is what really really matters ----> GETTING well, STAYING well, and LIVING well!

• Daddy has been on "furlough" due to being contracted by the government, so we have been able to spend some unexpected family time together! Here are our silly sweet boys being bribed with ice cream to take a decent picture. :~)

• We welcomed a new sweet baby girl into our family, my beautiful niece, Alina. 

•  We hosted our 2nd annual pumpkin carving party, a little early and the pumpkins are already rotting, but OH WELL!

• And, I got the opportunity to take 1st birthday pictures of this sweet little lady. :~)

There have been many more moments and memories over the past few weeks, we really are living well, even in the midst of this storm.

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If you are wondering where to send your prayers/ energy this week, here you go!

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again {of course!}.
2. That my lab work looks good {especially those pesky liver levels!} and we stay on course for my FINAL chemo treatment on Friday the 25th.
3. That I have a COMPLETE RESPONSE and do not need radiation!
4. That the side effects remain manageable and that maybe Dr. K WASN'T bluffing when he told me that I would "feel better IMMEDIATELY after I am done with treatment". ;~)
5. That we continue to GET BUSY LIVING and keep making sweet memories!

Thank you everyone! XO

FOUR...Only Good Things

Not going to lie, I wish I had written this post sooner when I was feeling good and was not in a place of "Seriously, am I EVER going to feel normal again?!" I feel so out of it, like I am drunk, but not in a good happy way, in a scary "I can't see the other side of this yet and am afraid I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever" way. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit. I know I am lucky to not be feeling physically sick, I know that I am lucky to not be so exhausted that I can't function, but this walking around like I am on a boat {minus T-Pain} is no picnic either. Yuck. However, I want to write the update I WAS going to write before I felt like this so here goes my lame attempt....

Only Good Things. That is what I prayed for before our big appointment last Friday. I prayed to only hear good news, no negatives. I prayed that the primary tumor and the nodes were still responding, I prayed that things were starting to look more normal on ultrasound, I prayed that my blood work would come back looking good, I prayed that the doctor would be pleased with the progress so far and I prayed that I would handle the new drugs okay. ALL of that, all of those things are true. We are SO thankful! The primary tumor and the nodes SHRUNK by about 20% in all directions. Things are looking different on ultrasound, and different is good because that means the drugs are working to stop the cancer, cut off blood supply and return tissue to it's original healthy state. My blood work looked good and Dr. K is happy with the progress. As for handling the new drugs okay, I have to assume I am. I don't really know what I am supposed to feel like, but from talking to others who have walked a similar path, I am guessing feeling the way I do right now is "normal", and temporary, PLEASE GOD let it be temporary!

I left Friday's appointment feeling so HAPPY and relieved about all of the Good Things that happened maybe it was the steroids talking, but seriously I felt GREAT. It felt good to be doing something to fight. It felt good to know that fighting is working! I don't feel great right now, but I am working hard to summon up that feeling from Friday, the feeling of knowing things are moving in the right direction and I am on my way to being fully healthy.

So that means, NUMBER FOUR of the "end of chemo countdown" is under my belt. Hopefully, I am a mere THREE treatments away from never, ever, ever, having to do chemo again. And THAT is my current prayer.

For those of you who want to hope for Only Good Things along with me, here are my current hopes:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again {obviously}.
2. That the new treatment drugs are super effective and wipe out what the previous drugs didn't.
3. That my blood work continues to look good so that treatment can proceed as planned.
4. That I can trust that I will feel normal again and that these side effects are temporary.

Thanks friends. XO

People Are Talking

Sometimes it is good amazing when people talk about you behind your back, because THIS happens:

On your last day of your first round of treatment, your friends, most of whom you have never met, FLOOD your facebook page with messages of strength and HOPE! They form a secret group, they conspire, they come up with an uber cool team name, THEY DESIGN T-SHIRTS, and then they give you one of the greatest gifts ever on a day you needed it most.

And in case that wasn't enough, in case that didn't already move you from "I don't want to celebrate, I am too worried about what comes next" to "HELL YES I want to celebrate how far we have come!" these same friends decide to bring your husband into the mix and then THIS happens:

Two friends you have never even met {and one that you have!} show up on your doorstep bringing IN PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME love and support. On a weekend where you thought you would spend most of your time worrying, you end up showing friends around town, swimming at a hotel pool and having a "dreams are coming true" BBQ at your house. These friends {and that husband of yours} they know what you need, even when YOU don't.

However, just in case that STILL wasn't enough, another friend drives FOUR HOURS to meet the rest of you and all of the sudden 5 friends, most of whom have only shared virtual hugs, are now sharing stories over brunch while sipping green juice.

So, yes, sometimes EXTRAORDINARY things happen when people talk about you behind your back.

Thank you ladies {and husband}, I love you all so.darn.much. XO

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This Friday, I begin my 1st round of Adriamycin/ Cytoxan. These chemo drugs are known to be a little bit harder to handle than the last ones. Thankfully I have talked to several women who have been through it and they have all been sure to let me know that it is "doable" HARD, but doable. I hope and pray that I will tolerate the new meds well and that I will be able to enjoy at least some of my favorite season in Missouri. I am holding a lot of fear over what I will feel like come Saturday morning. I hope that knowing what to expect helps a little bit. On Thursday, I will have a heart echo to make sure that the herceptin did not do any damage to my heart. Adriamycin is also cardio toxic, so it's important that my heart is in good working order prior to the beginning of treatment. In addition to the heart echo, on Friday, I will be having an ultrasound of the primary tumor/ nodes to check response to therapy. Friday will be a long, hard, day. I am praying that there are no bad surprises and that things continue to move in the right direction. 

So if you could send some healthy, healing thoughts and prayers about the followig my way, that would be great.

1.  That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again. {obviously}
2. That my labs will look good so that I can begin the next leg of treatment.
3. That my heart is still functioning well and the drugs did not do any damage.
4. That the neuropathy {tingling in my toes/ fingers} that I have as a side effect from the last treatment protocol starts to fade and does not cause me any more stress.
5. That the ultrasound shows that the primary tumor AND the lymph nodes are still responding to treatment.
6. That I can learn to let go of some anxiety over the things I cannot control. Oh how I wish I could control this.

Thank you friends for your continued love and support.

Visualization

Sometimes A lot of the time lately, I struggle with not knowing what is going on inside my body. Strings of questions run on an endless loop through my mind. Did we make the right choice in choosing chemo before surgery? Or should we have gotten TFBBc out as soon as possible? Is the medicine still working? Are the cancer cells dying? What happens if they stop? Are the two lymph nodes we know about the only ones involved? Am I going to have a complete response to treatment? What will we find during surgery? And on, and on, and on...

I've been told that these cycles of worry are normal and tend to come at certain times, for example, at diagnosis, when treatment starts, when treatment ENDS {who would have thunk it?}, at surgery time, etc. I am guessing that this particular cycle of worry has been brought on by the fact that the first leg of my treatment is ending this Friday {God willing!}. Which means, I will be starting new meds in a couple of weeks and I don't know how they will affect me, and that's scary. New is scary, change is scary, and I don't really like surprises. I pray that I tolerate the new treatment well, but I just don't know and not knowing is hard. Super hard.

When I am worrying over not being able to control everything and not  knowing what is going on in my body, I like to picture this:

Yes, I just spent the better part of an hour doing this, but hey, I suppose it's therapeutic, right!?

Just in case you can't tell what's going on in that super lovely mess of a visual, I will explain. Basically, those are Herceptin Cowboys lassoing and tying off blood vessels in order to cut off the blood supply and strangle the primary tumor and the lymph nodes {off to the left} and Abraxane Wizards using their magic in order to stop cell division. Why cowboys and wizards, I don't know, just go with it! The happy little fat guys moving in on the scene are white blood cells. They are there to attack the cancer cells and sweep them away. As you can see, the white blood cells are plentiful and the stupid little cancer cells are not happy. THEY.ARE.GOING.DOWN! I should also state that when I picture this happening, it's to the following part of the song Some Nights by FUN.:

This is it, boys, this is WAR - what are we waiting for?

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

 

Believe me, I know how cheesy that is, BUT that part of the song just makes me think of marching off into battle and I like to picture my powerful white blood cells marching in there and just destroying the heck out of that stupid cancer!

So there you have it, that's what goes on in my mind as I try to picture the medicine and my body working together to eliminate cancer FOR GOOD.

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Now, an update. Last Friday, I had my 11th out of 12 treatments in the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. Everything went pretty well, they did have to count my white blood cells again, but no one is sure why because they were totally fine. My liver enzymes must have gotten back into the normal range because they didn't have to call Dr. K about them, so that's great!  My side effects remain fairly manageable. I have been a bit more tired and I feel kind of "foggy" but other than that I am fine. My biggest struggle is currently my anxiety. The mental part of this battle is pretty hard. So for this week, if you could send your prayers/ energy to the following that would be amazing:

1. That the cancer is eradicated from my body and NEVER returns again! {of course}
2. That ALL of my blood levels remain "good enough" for treatment.
3. That my mind can be still and quiet, at least for a bit, and the anxiety I am feeling can be eased.
4. That the next treatments go as smoothly as possible.{it's a bit early for that one, but let's get a jump on hoping I will still feel good!}
5. That my family and I can enjoy our TWO WEEK chemo holiday after this Friday's treatment! Yay!

Thank you ALL for you continued love and support! I know in my heart that the prayers are working. I can feel it and I believe it! Love to all!

Mommy Guilt 101

I have been having a lot of the dreaded "Mommy Guilt" lately. Most of it has to do with the fact that I feel like a lot of the time my mind is on TFBBc, even when I'm having fun with my family or with the boys, that little B is still at the back of my mind, like ALL.THE.TIME. I suppose this is normal and I get that. I know I have a lot of things to process and work through and blah, blah, blah, but I still don't like that the girl who seems to be running my thoughts is not the girl that's usually in there. I know the girl I am, or was, is there and I still hear her from time to time, but not nearly as often as I would like. {No, I don't generally hear voices, I am speaking metaphorically, haha}. Don't get me wrong, my family and I have been trying to keep things as normal as possible, but that's on the outside, inside my head is a different story.

So where am I going with this, ah yes, Mommy Guilt. Lately, I have been struggling with the fact that the boys are 3 and they should be headed to preschool, at least for a couple of days a week. I see my friend's kids heading to preschool and I just really want that for my boys. I know they would love it. I know that they need it. They talk about wanting to go to school all the time. However, I am worried about sending them because I don't want them to bring home any sickness surprises for me. It truly SUCKS that I feel like the boys shouldn't go to school because I have stupid low white counts and stupid cancer. I HATE it! Not to mention that before all of "this", I was really looking forward to walking their cute little selves up to the school and enjoying some alone time at the grocery store or gym or whatever, but life had other plans and all we can do is roll with it. <--- See there, I suppose I am learning that I can't control everything.

So, here is what we decided to do with all of this. We decided the boys could have school at home a few days/ week and then maybe enroll in "real" preschool at the start of the new year. After all, Mommy WAS a teacher, you know, before being a full time stay at home mama to two maniacs. We started school yesterday, only for about an hour in the morning, and it was INTERESTING! If these kids' "real" teachers don't try and slap them with an ADHD diagnosis on the first day of kindergarten, well, then, I just don't know. haha. Don't worry, today was better. :~)

Some photos of the boys' first day of "school". Here they are, walking down the steps to school {yes, you are seeing a pile of laundry and an exercise ball, standard school faire., practicing writing, and having fun during play time. Emmett was sounding out the letters in his name, so cute. :~)

 A few more, just because. First the boys were sorting dinosaurs by color, then you can see Owen moving his "guy" down our schedule chart while Emmett eats his snack, next a very sad plain bulletin board {seriously, the teacher in me is soooo unimpressed, that thing needs a border!} showcasing some of their sweet work, and finally, a photo where you can see some more of our "school" area. Yes, that is THE leg lamp, yes that is liquor on the wall - don't judge - this is also the room where we host our Christmas parties. Gots to make use of our space you know! ;~)

There you have it, Mommy Guilt = school in the basement/ bar!

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Now an update from cancer land. Last Friday I had my 10th treatment out of 12 of the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. We also met with Dr. K and his nurse practitioner.  Treatment continues to go well, Dr. K is still happy with how the tumor/ nodes are responding to the medicine. I talked to him about how I was worried that I could still feel the nodes, but he was not concerned about this. He says that it may not be that ALL of the cancer is killed by the medicine, but we know this treatment is working and that isn't going to change {I asked if he was sure I wasn't going to wake up and the tumor would be back, he assured me that that won't happen}. Still, I would like to see a complete response at surgery time, of course. I was told by the trial nurse that my labs were "great" but when I got to treatment, the treatment nurse mentioned that my liver enzymes were slightly elevated and that she needed to call Dr. K to see if I could have treatment. He was not concerned and allowed treatment to go on as planned, but I have been worrying like crazy over this. The numbers were very very slightly high, and increased liver enzymes is actually listed as a common side effect for Abraxane, but still, I would rather they were within the normal range. I just don't want to worry about this. :~( Other than that, things went well. I have been a bit more sluggish feeling this time, but still nothing that isn't manageable. So, for this week, here are some specifics to pray/ send energy for:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again! {of course}
2.  That ALL of my blood tests are within an appropriate range for treatment, specifically that my neutrophils are above 1.5 and that my liver enzymes are back steadily within the normal range.
3. That side effects continue to be mild.
4. That I can let go of some Mommy Guilt, have some peace and continue to GET BUSY LIVING!!! This obsessive worrying is for the birds.

Thanks everyone! XO

Running is Stronger Than Cancer and Lemon Pie Sounds Pretty Darn Good

Over the weekend, my husband, my boys, my Stacie, her children, her survivor mama and my Stephanie did the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My husband, the boys and I used some of our fancy credit card points to stay at a hotel near the start of the race. I am sure I sound like a crazy person, but it makes me feel more "normal" to go on these little staycations while we are battling this cancer {yes, WE, my cancer is my husband's cancer, my cancer is my children's cancer, we are in this together, WE are battling this together!}. We played around the hotel and shopping area, went swimming, had a nice dinner out at a favorite Thai noddle shop, and slept on a crazy kind of "bed continent" which we created using our king size, the roll away and two chairs fashioned into a sort of crib type situation.

Hanging out at the Curious George exhibit. Which one is the monkey?

We then woke bright and early after a not so fabulous night of sleep to attend the walk/run {I ran.....the whole thing...I just feel like I need to say that...it makes me feel good...so there!}. I am not sure how it is in other cities, but in our city, there are at least 30,000 people in attendance, it's pretty incredible. Say what you want about Komen, but I was really craving the inspiration that comes from seeing other people who have been through this and have come out the other side. I really wanted to see that I am not alone and that there is LIFE after a cancer diagnosis. It also helped to see {although I am sad to see it} that there are many many women in my age group who are currently on this special little life detour. In fact, I briefly interacted with one woman on the elevator, while running back to the room to grab my headphones, who looked not a whole lot older than me who battled cancer in 1997!!! 1997!!! Oh.my.goodness! She must have been SO young! I didn't really ask her about her story, because I was pretty close to losing it, but she did tell me after asking if I was currently in treatment that, "It get's better, it does." and I believe her, because she knows. Most of the time I am a bit embarrassed by my diagnosis, like I think I should have been smart enough to catch it sooner, or I should have lived my life in a way where it never would have happened in the first place, {which I don't actually believe is possible, no rhyme or reason to this disease!}. However, seeing all of the women, men, families, friends, etc affected by breast cancer made me realize that there is NO WAY I would blame anyone else for their diagnosis, so why in the world am I sitting here blaming myself?  I know I can't change the past, I can't change my diagnosis, but I CAN change what I take away from it.

I'm the one in the hat. ;~) Also, that top left is so dorky, but oh well.

 I am still not sure what I am going to gain from this journey {people always talk about gaining things after cancer}, but I know it's got to be something. I have an inkling that it's going to be a lesson in control, as in "You can't control everything, and you CERTAINLY can't control this!", but I am just not sure. You hear a lot of people saying, "Cancer taught me to appreciate life and really slow down", but I like to think that I already had a pretty darn good appreciation for life. I mean, I already stop and {literally} smell the roses. I already notice on drives home when the moon looks super cool at night, and call my husband to tell him to look as well. I already point out the pretty things in the world to my sweet boys and try to remember to follow their lead and allow them to move at THEIR pace. I try not to hurry and rush my way through life. I try to be aware and in the moment. I smile at people and really really try to see the best in everyone and in the world in general. I truly do believe there is more good than not out there, but maybe I haven't been appreciating the world ENOUGH. Maybe. I just don't know. I know that makes it sound like I think God or some higher power did this to me for some "greater purpose", which I am somehow in charge of figuring out, but I don't really believe that. God doesn't want this, not for me, not for anyone. Ever. I refuse to believe that God said, "Hey, you know what Heather needs? A little bit o' cancer. THAT should really make her love life!". Cancer is stupid and awful and it sucks and it makes God just as sad and angry as it makes me, so no, I don't believe God "gave" me this. I guess what I do believe is that crap just happens sometimes, but it's up to me to try and make something of it.  And THAT RIGHT THERE is something God did give me, the abilty to make something of it. I was given my fight, my ability to hope, my love for life, and my joy in the small things. Not cancer, definitely not cancer.

I guess it's that whole "when life gives you lemons...." thing, right? I have my lemons, now I need to decide what to do with them and right about now, a pie sure is sounding nice. :~)

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That took a little turn at the end I wasn't expecting. Haha, oh well. And now, an update:

Last Friday I had my 9th out of 12 infusions of the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. It was a crappy day. A crap-crap-crappity-crap day. My mom tripped over one of our boys while babysitting and broke her humerus. Bummer. Major major bummer. So this meant I was worried about my mom, worried about the boys being traumatized, and worried because Matt was unable, for the first time, to come to treatment. Matt not being able to attend treatment sent me into a panic. I am a person of ritual, he had been there every time, things had gone well when he was there, what was going to happen if he wasn't able to come? For my friends/ family who have wanted to come to treatments, this is why you haven't been there. It's not because I don't love you or because I don't want you to see it, it's because I need him there, he's my lucky charm, and there is only one chair. :~) Well, anyway, my labs were taking longer than normal to come back and I found out that they were having to count my white blood cells manually because they "might be low". Holy crap. This had never happened before and I started to panic, a lot. A nice volunteer walked in to a crying mess and later came back bearing gifts, so that was nice, she must have felt really bad for me. Eventually, the nurse came in and my counts were "fine", but I made the mistake of asking to see them and then worried over every.single.thing. Ugh. It was not the finest of mornings. Ultimately though, I got my treatment and it did go well, but still. No thanks.

So this week's "begging for prayers/ energy" section is as follows:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body and will NEVER return again. {of course}
2. That on Friday, when we meet with Dr. K, he is still impressed by the progress being made and we can leave the appointment feeling geared up to continue fighting.
3. That my counts are good enough to go forward with treatment, and that we don't have a scare like last week. Seriously. I did not like that.
4. That I can feel peace about the fact that I can still feel the lymph nodes. I have been harboring an insane amount of worry over this lately and it needs to stop. Please just help me to let it go.
5. That we are able to GET BUSY LIVING and enjoy a fantastic weekend with friends, family and food, because there are some super fun things going on!

Thank you everyone for your support. I hope you know how much it means to us. 

She's Got the Look

** Update from my latest appointment follows the post **

Lately I have become that cancer fighter {seriously, who else hates the term "cancer patient"} who doesn't want to leave the house without her wig. In the beginning, I really enjoyed my hats. I thought they were cute in a 1920's sort of way. I always pinned a flower on my hat and a smile on my face. I thought the flower was stylish. I thought the smile and the confidence would act as a sort of repellent to "the look". You know the one I am talking about, the look where when I am taking my boys for a walk and the woman walking towards me can't wipe the sadness and pity off of her face. I know what she is thinking. I know she feels sorry for me and thankful that she isn't in my shoes {actually, maybe she was, I don't know her story}. I know the look probably comes from a place of kindness, but here's the deal. DON'T GIVE ME THE LOOK! Don't waste it on me. Please just smile at me and say hello like you would to anyone else. Please.

I'm a nice girl, I want people to talk to me. I want people to say hello. It's just who I am. On any given trip to the grocery store, I don't leave without having chit-chatty conversations with at least half a dozen people. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the Midwest, but I like this little life where even strangers feel kind of like friends. However, now I am afraid of these conversations. Now I worry about the direction they will take if I'm not wearing my wig. Now I worry that people will stop asking about my sweet boys and start asking about ME. This worry does not come unfounded. Just last week a checker at the grocery store I frequent felt it necessary to tell me that, "She had a friend with breast cancer who died and it was so sad" {and she said this in front of my boys}. How was I supposed to respond to that? I believe I responded with, "Umm....yep, that is sad, but I'm doing well, thanks." Although, I should have responded with my friend Bree's suggestion of, "Yep, that is sad, but you know what else is sad? Having to deal with this stupid disease and also having to interact with morons like you!". Fortunately for the socially clueless checker, I get that she was trying to connect, but that she just did it in a horribly inappropriate way. So, people, DON'T DO THAT!!! I'm not a moron, I know that some people die because of cancer, but I also know that some many many people  SURVIVE and THRIVE because of cancer. They just do. I have seen it and I believe it.

So back to the wig thing. I'm having a hard time wanting to leave the house without it and if you would believe it, I am FEELING GUILTY about this!!!! I am feeling guilty because I read about people who do the whole "bald is beautiful" thing in order to "show cancer that it isn't winning" and to "not hide from cancer". It made me think, am I sending cancer the message that I am afraid? Am I hiding from cancer? Am I somehow lying to myself and others just because I am choosing to wear a wig? Do the "bald is beautiful" girls look down on me? Am I going to get kicked out of the club? Actually, CAN I please please get kicked out of this stupid club, I didn't really want to join anyway? :~) I have been thinking on this quite a bit over the past week {ever since the incident with the checker} and I realized that I am being silly. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't winning is by going on with my normal life, having normal conversations at the grocery store, and smiling unafraid of getting "the look" at the little old ladies in the aisle. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't the boss of me is being comfortable and confident when I go out in public, and my comfortable doesn't currently involve a bald head. Some people can do all of that bald. I can't. I'm not hiding under the wig anymore than I am hiding under my mascara or lip gloss. My wig is that last little touch that makes me feel pretty and more like the girl I AM and not the girl cancer is trying to make me be. So whether bald, adorned with a hat, or wearing a crazy itchy wig, I realize we are all the same. We are all showing cancer that IT IS NOT THE BOSS!! We are all doing what we can to walk through this craptastic journey. We are simply taking different paths. So, suck it cancer, you aren't the boss of me!

***Update on the ultrasound and appt from a couple of weeks ago***

1. The primary tumor is no longer palpable and has shrunk by about 50% as shown on ultrasound. Please pray/ send positive energy/ whatever that the tumor keeps shrinking and is GONE when treatment is complete, or before, I'll take before. :~)
2. The nodes are shrinking a bit, but not as much as I would like them to. I swear they FEEL like they are shrinking more than it says by ultrasound, but whatever. They are beginning to show more features of "normal" nodes, so this is a good thing. The doctors have told me that the nodes take longer and that scar tissue created by dying cancer cells could cause the nodes to not shrink down all the way. However, I would LOVE it if I could no longer feel the nodes. I would LOVE it if they returned to looking completely normal on US. They are a huge worry for me, so I would love that worry to cease. Please send some thoughts/ prayers that way. ** I want to note that the doctors are not worried and are totally please, it's me that holds the worry here **
3. I am continuing to do well with treatments. Please pray that this continues and that my counts stay awesome so that treatments can proceed as planned.
4. Finally, pray that TFBBc is being eradicated from my body and will NEVER EVER return again. :~)

** Also, I have a special request for a friend of mine and her amazing daughters. The younger of which has just undergone a bone marrow transplant to fight leukemia. Her older sister was the brave love and life giving donor. Please pray that the transplant is a success and that her body is able to rest, recuperate and grow stronger. Please also pray for older sis, who is in some pain and has her own battle wounds from her brave act of love. **

Thanks friends, now GET BUSY LIVING!!!

Have a nice day...SIR?!

I realize I haven't written a "cancery" post in a while and there are people out there in need of an update, so here is the quick crap that wasn't quick and dirty.

Last Monday, I met with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction surgery. I left the appointment completely pissed off. Honestly I am not really ready to process it all or write about it right now, but basically I am just mad that I even have to be DISCUSSING these so called "options". I don't want to think about it. I like my boobs the way they are. They are perky and bouncy. They are in the correct spot and they are just the right size. They did their darndest to feed my boys and they look pretty good in most clothes. I am not meeting with the surgeon because I am choosing to change the way I look or to improve the way I feel about myself. I am meeting with the surgeon because I am essentially going to be having an amputation {or 2}. Sorry if that sounds "ugly" or "harsh", but that's what it is. It's not pretty, it's not going to make me feel good about myself, I'm not going to walk out of there ready to "show off my new girls", it's just not going to happen that way. Am I thankful that I have the opportunity to fight this disease? Yes. Am I thankful that such amazing surgeons work with the hospital? Yes. Am I completely confident in their abilities? Yes. Do I like them as people and professionals? Yes. But, that doesn't mean I have to rejoice in the fact that I have to do this. It makes me so angry, and that's okay.

Last Friday, I had my 6th treatment of Abraxane and Herceptin. Which marks the halfway point in the first leg of my treatment plan. My counts were good, well, I don't actually know what they were because I have requested not to see the actual numbers, but if they were good enough to get treatment, then they were "good" enough for me. I came home after treatment cleaned the house, had a run on the treadmill and then took a nice bath and prepared for our big 3rd birthday celebration weekend. Because of the birthday weekend, I decided that I was going to have a bit of a "cancer holiday", basically meaning I wasn't going to look anything up on the internet or talk about cancer unless asked a specific question. It went well except for a couple of minor internet slips, and they were truly minor.  It felt good to do that and I have decided that really I don't need to be looking things up on the interwebs at all. When it's time to research things, I will research, but for now I have the information I need.

TOMORROW morning I have an ultrasound of my breast and axilla {armpit} to see how the primary tumor and nodes are responding. To say that I am nervous about this would be a bit of an understatement. I know that the treatments are working, I can FEEL that they are working, but I don't know how well EXACTLY. I am not excited to lay on that hard table. I am not excited to see the dark blob that is "TFBBc" up on the monitor. I am not excited to hear the clicking and clacking as measurements are recorded. I am not excited to see that the lymph nodes I can still feel are still detectable on the screen as well. That little ultrasound room holds a lot of fear for me, I just don't like it. Again, I KNOW that treatments are working, but I still have fear of the things I DON'T know. In addition to the ultrasound, I will meet with Dr. K's nurse practitioner and then have treatment {as long as my counts are good}.

So, if you would like to know where to send your energy this week, here you go:

1. That TFBBc is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again! {obviously}
2. That my counts are excellent so that treatment can proceed as planned.
3. That my side effects remain minimal so that I can continue to GET BUSY LIVING!
4. That the ultrasound shows significant shrinkage in the primary tumor AND the nodes and that there are no surprises. I'm not a fan of surprises.
5. That I can feel some peace {even if it's xanax induced} going into the ultrasound and also when thinking about the surgery scenarios.
6. That I remember to stay off the interwebs and GET BUSY LIVING!

You know I don't like to end these updates with a stressed out feeling, so today I am going to end with a little funny story and, of course, a picture of my sweet boys.

Yesterday, the boys and I headed to the zoo for the first time since the week of my horrible MRI biopsy. I decided that I needed a boost in order to keep up with their energy for the day, so headed to the McDonald's drive through for some iced coffee. I was wearing one of my "flapper hats" {navy blue with a white flower clipped to the side} and sunglasses {the big kind that have been in style for a while}. When I got up to the window to get my drink, the young man working the window said, "Hey man, how you doing?" to which I replied with a smile, in my very girly Minnie Mouse voice no less, "GREAT thanks!", he then handed me my drink and said, "Thanks SIR, have a nice day!". Umm......SIR?!?! Good lord. I thought he had said "man" in his greeting, but I thought, nah, SURELY he said "mam", but that SIR sure made it clear! Haha, oh well, at least he didn't call me "bro" and now the title of this post makes sense, right? :~)

As promised, a picture of my sweet guys from our trip to the zoo yesterday:

Sweet brothers.

Three Years

Three years ago today our sweet boys got their first glimpse of the world. The first sounds they heard, the first sights they saw, the first touches they felt were all amidst the chaotic efficiency that is an emergency c-section. Fluorescent lights, rushing feet, warming beds, suction, air, determined helpers and hopefully the voices of mom and dad asking, "Is he alright?" "Why isn't he crying?", these were their first experiences. Two and one-half months early, but still I was happy they were on "the outside", that they were now in the hands of trained professionals and no longer trapped within a body that I felt had betrayed them, betrayed me. I felt relieved and I felt happy, really, incredibly indescribably, happy.

Emmett Joseph arrived first at 3:38am. He cried as soon as he tasted the air and the doctor said he FIERCELY grabbed her hand during the delivery. She was amazed that he was blonde, I guess they don't see many blonde babies. :~) Matt and I came up with the boys' names in about 5 minutes {a few weeks before they were born}, however, I guess we never discussed the spelling of their names as after Matt followed the boys to the NICU, he came back to show me their birth stats written on a crunchy hospital paper towel, Emmett's name was spelled "wrong", well, wrong compared to how I had it in my mind {I would also like to state that Emmett peed on me 5 seconds after that photo was taken!}:

Mommy holding Emmett. The Napkin of Misinformation. Daddy holding Owen.

 Owen William followed his brother at 3:39am. He was born silent. I don't know if it was 30 seconds or 3-minutes before he cried, but I know it felt like an eternity. That was my only real moment of panic during the delivery, but he did cry and he certainly hasn't shut up since. :~) Matt and I believe that the "Napkin of Misinformation" also includes another glaring mistake. We believe that the boys' lengths were switched as not one measurement since has ever showed Owen being longer than his brother, sorry buddy. :~)

I can't believe it's been three years. I can't believe how much we have learned from these sweet boys. That first day of their life was just bliss. I am sure that seems weird to say since it was also traumatic and chaotic and they were in the NICU hooked up to all kinds of crap, but it was. They were, and are, the most beautiful little boys I have ever seen, wires and all. Just gorgeous. Seriously, I am not really sure how God made them so perfect. How did He know that they were the perfect little boys for us? It's amazing how they have grown my heart and helped to heal my soul.

I feel like I have SO much more I want to say, but honestly, if I spilled all of the lyrics in my heart's song for these boys, this post would never end because this is forever love. Forever. 

So instead, here are some pictures. My how these sweet boys have grown!

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