She's Got the Look

** Update from my latest appointment follows the post **

Lately I have become that cancer fighter {seriously, who else hates the term "cancer patient"} who doesn't want to leave the house without her wig. In the beginning, I really enjoyed my hats. I thought they were cute in a 1920's sort of way. I always pinned a flower on my hat and a smile on my face. I thought the flower was stylish. I thought the smile and the confidence would act as a sort of repellent to "the look". You know the one I am talking about, the look where when I am taking my boys for a walk and the woman walking towards me can't wipe the sadness and pity off of her face. I know what she is thinking. I know she feels sorry for me and thankful that she isn't in my shoes {actually, maybe she was, I don't know her story}. I know the look probably comes from a place of kindness, but here's the deal. DON'T GIVE ME THE LOOK! Don't waste it on me. Please just smile at me and say hello like you would to anyone else. Please.

I'm a nice girl, I want people to talk to me. I want people to say hello. It's just who I am. On any given trip to the grocery store, I don't leave without having chit-chatty conversations with at least half a dozen people. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the Midwest, but I like this little life where even strangers feel kind of like friends. However, now I am afraid of these conversations. Now I worry about the direction they will take if I'm not wearing my wig. Now I worry that people will stop asking about my sweet boys and start asking about ME. This worry does not come unfounded. Just last week a checker at the grocery store I frequent felt it necessary to tell me that, "She had a friend with breast cancer who died and it was so sad" {and she said this in front of my boys}. How was I supposed to respond to that? I believe I responded with, "Umm....yep, that is sad, but I'm doing well, thanks." Although, I should have responded with my friend Bree's suggestion of, "Yep, that is sad, but you know what else is sad? Having to deal with this stupid disease and also having to interact with morons like you!". Fortunately for the socially clueless checker, I get that she was trying to connect, but that she just did it in a horribly inappropriate way. So, people, DON'T DO THAT!!! I'm not a moron, I know that some people die because of cancer, but I also know that some many many people  SURVIVE and THRIVE because of cancer. They just do. I have seen it and I believe it.

So back to the wig thing. I'm having a hard time wanting to leave the house without it and if you would believe it, I am FEELING GUILTY about this!!!! I am feeling guilty because I read about people who do the whole "bald is beautiful" thing in order to "show cancer that it isn't winning" and to "not hide from cancer". It made me think, am I sending cancer the message that I am afraid? Am I hiding from cancer? Am I somehow lying to myself and others just because I am choosing to wear a wig? Do the "bald is beautiful" girls look down on me? Am I going to get kicked out of the club? Actually, CAN I please please get kicked out of this stupid club, I didn't really want to join anyway? :~) I have been thinking on this quite a bit over the past week {ever since the incident with the checker} and I realized that I am being silly. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't winning is by going on with my normal life, having normal conversations at the grocery store, and smiling unafraid of getting "the look" at the little old ladies in the aisle. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't the boss of me is being comfortable and confident when I go out in public, and my comfortable doesn't currently involve a bald head. Some people can do all of that bald. I can't. I'm not hiding under the wig anymore than I am hiding under my mascara or lip gloss. My wig is that last little touch that makes me feel pretty and more like the girl I AM and not the girl cancer is trying to make me be. So whether bald, adorned with a hat, or wearing a crazy itchy wig, I realize we are all the same. We are all showing cancer that IT IS NOT THE BOSS!! We are all doing what we can to walk through this craptastic journey. We are simply taking different paths. So, suck it cancer, you aren't the boss of me!

***Update on the ultrasound and appt from a couple of weeks ago***

1. The primary tumor is no longer palpable and has shrunk by about 50% as shown on ultrasound. Please pray/ send positive energy/ whatever that the tumor keeps shrinking and is GONE when treatment is complete, or before, I'll take before. :~)
2. The nodes are shrinking a bit, but not as much as I would like them to. I swear they FEEL like they are shrinking more than it says by ultrasound, but whatever. They are beginning to show more features of "normal" nodes, so this is a good thing. The doctors have told me that the nodes take longer and that scar tissue created by dying cancer cells could cause the nodes to not shrink down all the way. However, I would LOVE it if I could no longer feel the nodes. I would LOVE it if they returned to looking completely normal on US. They are a huge worry for me, so I would love that worry to cease. Please send some thoughts/ prayers that way. ** I want to note that the doctors are not worried and are totally please, it's me that holds the worry here **
3. I am continuing to do well with treatments. Please pray that this continues and that my counts stay awesome so that treatments can proceed as planned.
4. Finally, pray that TFBBc is being eradicated from my body and will NEVER EVER return again. :~)

** Also, I have a special request for a friend of mine and her amazing daughters. The younger of which has just undergone a bone marrow transplant to fight leukemia. Her older sister was the brave love and life giving donor. Please pray that the transplant is a success and that her body is able to rest, recuperate and grow stronger. Please also pray for older sis, who is in some pain and has her own battle wounds from her brave act of love. **

Thanks friends, now GET BUSY LIVING!!!