FOUR...Only Good Things

Not going to lie, I wish I had written this post sooner when I was feeling good and was not in a place of "Seriously, am I EVER going to feel normal again?!" I feel so out of it, like I am drunk, but not in a good happy way, in a scary "I can't see the other side of this yet and am afraid I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever" way. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit. I know I am lucky to not be feeling physically sick, I know that I am lucky to not be so exhausted that I can't function, but this walking around like I am on a boat {minus T-Pain} is no picnic either. Yuck. However, I want to write the update I WAS going to write before I felt like this so here goes my lame attempt....

Only Good Things. That is what I prayed for before our big appointment last Friday. I prayed to only hear good news, no negatives. I prayed that the primary tumor and the nodes were still responding, I prayed that things were starting to look more normal on ultrasound, I prayed that my blood work would come back looking good, I prayed that the doctor would be pleased with the progress so far and I prayed that I would handle the new drugs okay. ALL of that, all of those things are true. We are SO thankful! The primary tumor and the nodes SHRUNK by about 20% in all directions. Things are looking different on ultrasound, and different is good because that means the drugs are working to stop the cancer, cut off blood supply and return tissue to it's original healthy state. My blood work looked good and Dr. K is happy with the progress. As for handling the new drugs okay, I have to assume I am. I don't really know what I am supposed to feel like, but from talking to others who have walked a similar path, I am guessing feeling the way I do right now is "normal", and temporary, PLEASE GOD let it be temporary!

I left Friday's appointment feeling so HAPPY and relieved about all of the Good Things that happened maybe it was the steroids talking, but seriously I felt GREAT. It felt good to be doing something to fight. It felt good to know that fighting is working! I don't feel great right now, but I am working hard to summon up that feeling from Friday, the feeling of knowing things are moving in the right direction and I am on my way to being fully healthy.

So that means, NUMBER FOUR of the "end of chemo countdown" is under my belt. Hopefully, I am a mere THREE treatments away from never, ever, ever, having to do chemo again. And THAT is my current prayer.

For those of you who want to hope for Only Good Things along with me, here are my current hopes:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again {obviously}.
2. That the new treatment drugs are super effective and wipe out what the previous drugs didn't.
3. That my blood work continues to look good so that treatment can proceed as planned.
4. That I can trust that I will feel normal again and that these side effects are temporary.

Thanks friends. XO

People Are Talking

Sometimes it is good amazing when people talk about you behind your back, because THIS happens:

On your last day of your first round of treatment, your friends, most of whom you have never met, FLOOD your facebook page with messages of strength and HOPE! They form a secret group, they conspire, they come up with an uber cool team name, THEY DESIGN T-SHIRTS, and then they give you one of the greatest gifts ever on a day you needed it most.

And in case that wasn't enough, in case that didn't already move you from "I don't want to celebrate, I am too worried about what comes next" to "HELL YES I want to celebrate how far we have come!" these same friends decide to bring your husband into the mix and then THIS happens:

Two friends you have never even met {and one that you have!} show up on your doorstep bringing IN PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME love and support. On a weekend where you thought you would spend most of your time worrying, you end up showing friends around town, swimming at a hotel pool and having a "dreams are coming true" BBQ at your house. These friends {and that husband of yours} they know what you need, even when YOU don't.

However, just in case that STILL wasn't enough, another friend drives FOUR HOURS to meet the rest of you and all of the sudden 5 friends, most of whom have only shared virtual hugs, are now sharing stories over brunch while sipping green juice.

So, yes, sometimes EXTRAORDINARY things happen when people talk about you behind your back.

Thank you ladies {and husband}, I love you all so.darn.much. XO

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
This Friday, I begin my 1st round of Adriamycin/ Cytoxan. These chemo drugs are known to be a little bit harder to handle than the last ones. Thankfully I have talked to several women who have been through it and they have all been sure to let me know that it is "doable" HARD, but doable. I hope and pray that I will tolerate the new meds well and that I will be able to enjoy at least some of my favorite season in Missouri. I am holding a lot of fear over what I will feel like come Saturday morning. I hope that knowing what to expect helps a little bit. On Thursday, I will have a heart echo to make sure that the herceptin did not do any damage to my heart. Adriamycin is also cardio toxic, so it's important that my heart is in good working order prior to the beginning of treatment. In addition to the heart echo, on Friday, I will be having an ultrasound of the primary tumor/ nodes to check response to therapy. Friday will be a long, hard, day. I am praying that there are no bad surprises and that things continue to move in the right direction. 

So if you could send some healthy, healing thoughts and prayers about the followig my way, that would be great.

1.  That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again. {obviously}
2. That my labs will look good so that I can begin the next leg of treatment.
3. That my heart is still functioning well and the drugs did not do any damage.
4. That the neuropathy {tingling in my toes/ fingers} that I have as a side effect from the last treatment protocol starts to fade and does not cause me any more stress.
5. That the ultrasound shows that the primary tumor AND the lymph nodes are still responding to treatment.
6. That I can learn to let go of some anxiety over the things I cannot control. Oh how I wish I could control this.

Thank you friends for your continued love and support.