Cheesburgers, Chemo and Drive-ins...Oh My!

The port placement surgery really was pretty much a non-event. I was told repeatedly that I was the "healthiest person they had seen all day", you know, besides the CANCER!! In fact, the doctors' only real concern was the fact that I had a bag of snacks with me, I think they thought I was going to tuck in before surgery as I kept hearing, "Now, you know you can't eat any of that right?!". I had to keep explaining that I brought my own snacks because we {yes, WE, the husband starved with me for solidarity} hadn't eaten anything all day and I was certainly going to eat as soon as I got the okay!

I handled the anesthesia well, which was really my biggest concern. I am curious to know what {if anything} I said to the people in the operating room between the last thing I remember saying {something about a friend's fiance being a pediatric anesthesiologist} and waking up in the OR {with the blue surgery paper stuff still covering my face!!}. I am sure if there was conversation going on, it was pretty hilarious.

The procedure actually took a bit longer than expected due to the fact that Dr. Mc was completely done and then had to MOVE the port because my weak little pec muscles weren't holding it in place, ummmm, I guess that means I need to do more push-ups!? Even though it took a bit longer, I came out of anesthesia quickly and felt back to my normal self almost immediately. So much so that I actually moved myself from the surgery table to the recovery gurney. I didn't know that wasn't the norm until the nurse were like, "ummm, people generally don't move themselves." Oops! We did have to wait around for quite a while after getting a chest x-ray to check the port's placement as the doctor and the radiologists had apparently all gone home for the day. However, we did eventually get outta there and I GOT MY CHEESEBURGER, well, patty melt, but still.

A bit greasy and insane looking, but I'll take it!

The next morning, we headed off to chemo, which I received through my new fancy schmancy port. I need to take a picture without the bandages, you seriously can't really see the thing, I guess I didn't know what to expect. Chemo went well, except that I was SUPER tired. I didn't sleep well the night before due to fear of rolling over on the port. I was also really nauseous because I made the ridiculously stupid decision to take my percocet on an empty stomach at the same time as taking my normal vitamins and such. That was a bad choice. Seriously, bad choice. I was a bit disappointed when I saw my lab numbers. I knew that my blood counts would drop, but I just didn't think they would drop that quickly. All of my red counts were a bit low and my whites had also dropped {but were not low}. It seriously put me in a funk. I am just really afraid of the counts getting too low and missing a dose and/ or getting sick. So, if you want to direct some energy somewhere this week, please direct them to my counts staying within the normal range. I also FINALLY met with the nutritionist on Friday, which I had been excited about, but I honestly wish I never did - that's all I am going to say about that. Well, and this, I think I partly believe that I caused this cancer to happen because I like candy and sweets or something. We eat healthy most of the time, but I just can't convince myself that I didn't cause this to happen, somehow. Sigh.

I refuse to end this on that kind of downer note. So, instead I will end with this. Saturday was spent with family and friends celebrating my sweet nephew's 3rd birthday party. It was hot out, but it was fun and the cake was yummy. That night hubs, the boys and I headed out to the drive-in. Monster's University was showing and it was PACKED!! I know the cars look different now and the people aren't quite the same, but I can't help but feel a real sense of Americana at the drive-in. It's just families and friends gathered together, eating food, drinking lemonade, playing cards, throwing rocks in the creek and watching a movie while cuddled in the car. I love it. I look around and I am just happy that something so simple still exists to share with my family.

The view from the top of the "rock throwin" hill.

I'm Going to Be Like SUPER Hungry......and Nervous!

So I get my port today. I am nervous. I have never been under anesthesia before. It's not a total "knock out", but something they call twilight anesthesia, I think it's similar to what people get when they get a colonoscopy, but I am not really 100% sure. I have been reassured over and over that this is "no big deal", but the fact of the matter is this, it's a big deal to ME and that's all that really matters in this particular situation. Part of it is fear of going under, part is fear of the actual procedure, but I think a bigger part of it is this is the first thing {besides my frequent trips to the cancer center and my black and blue boobie} that will really mark me as a CANCER PATIENT! Boooooo for that, but really I suppose it's truly marking me as a future cancer SURVIVOR and THRIVER {<---- I don't think that's actually a word, but it should be!}. I am also not looking forward to not being able to pick up the boys, because you know those sweet things want me to carry them to bed every night. :~)

The good thing is the port should make administration of treatment drugs easier as well as making blood draws and anything that would normally require an IV a piece of cake. I have heard that most people LIKE having their port {but certainly aren't sad to see it go when the time comes}. However, I have also recently stumbled across a few port horror stories, I was not looking for them, they just happened to pop up in something I was already reading. Please please let me be one of the "no big deal it was a piece of cake and I ate a cheeseburger right after" stories. That's more my style. Plus, I am going to be STARVING because I can't eat or drink and the dang procedure isn't even supposed to start until 2:30pm, which in hospital speak means I could very well be waiting until the moon is out and the wolves are howling before this show gets on the road!

For those of you are interested, because I know some friends have asked me, click here for an explanation of the port-a-cath and the procedure for it's placement.

PS - I am currently watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood {I suppose only my PBS watchin' mommy friends might know what that is} and it's the "don't be afraid to go to the doctor" episode. How perfect is that. Basically the message I have taken away so far is, "Just close your eyes and think of something happy", so there you go. :)

Welcome to the Club No One Wants to Join {Diagnosis}

If you are reading this, you either know me and you already know I have breast cancer, or you have done a search for "breast cancer" and this little world or mine has popped up. I know one of the first things I did when I got "the news" was scour the interwebs for somebody like me - I still do that - I still want to find a young mama who has walked in my shoes and made it out okay, not only okay, but is currently THRIVING! I am hoping to be that mama for somebody else in the future, but for now, my journey is just beginning.

So, because I know that people are searching for someone in similar shoes, and because I know my friends and family probably want to know everything, here is an overview from discovery to diagnosis to now {fyi, this is going to be long!}{double fyi: if you are doing a search and you just want to see if I am "the same" as you, skip to the bottom}:

May something, 2013, a week or so before my 35th birthday: I came across an lump in my right breast while in the shower. The lump was not detected in my latest well woman exam in August of 2012, where it was determined that I had "normal dense breast tissue". However, this felt different, like it was definitely something. I decided to wait a week, through my cycle, to see if the lump changed - I actually felt like it did go down, which it may have, I don't know, but I was still uncomfortable with it.

May 20, 2013: Two days after my 35th birthday, I went in to have the lump checked out. My NP thought it was probably a fibroadenoma or a cyst, but ordered a mammogram and ultrasound to be safe. I went in for the mammogram and ultrasound and came out with a report reading "BIRAD-5, highly suspicious of breast cancer". The radiologist who broke the news to me did not have the best bedside manner, she basically just said, "This looks bad, you need a biopsy".

May 28, 2013: I went in for an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy of the lump and one of my two suspicious looking nodes {which are pretty enlarged}. The biopsy was really pretty much no big deal, just left me a little bit sore.

May 30th, 2013: I got "the call". I was pretty sure it was going to happen, but it was still a shock. I felt numb, like I was walking in someone else's body, just kind of floating through the moments in the day. Thankfully, I was headed to a play date for the boys when I got the news, so two good friends were there to help me stay sane.

May 31st, 2013: My husband, my sweet boys and I headed to the lake to spend time with my best friend and her family. It was a good weekend, but I had a hard time coping with trying to act "normal" when my heart was really and truly breaking for my family. I feel so bad for my husband, and my parents and just looking at my boys makes me ache. However, on the way to the lake, I saw FOUR rainbows and the most beautiful sunset. It made me feel at peace and like someone was looking out for me and saying, "I know this sucks, but look here, LOOK the world is still beautiful, and you are cared for and loved." Look here, I have included a photo, smiles in the face of "the news".

Baby E caught his first fish, he was not impressed and wanted it "back in the water!".

June 4th, 2013: Met with the breast surgeon {Dr. Mc} and the oncologist {Dr. K}. It felt really good to know what we are dealing with and to have a plan. I did have a pretty major breakdown because of not being able to meet with the nutritionist. I was really struggling with the fact that I just didn't know what to eat and I was afraid to "feed the cancer". Ultimately though, I think I just wanted a little bit of control and I didn't know how else to get it. It's hard, not having control and feeling like my body has failed me. Following the day of meetings, we headed to the Royals game to celebrate a friend's birthday. All of the nurses AND the oncologist told me to DRINK A BEER, so you know I took that advice. Actually, the MO said that I could have beer throughout chemo, sooooooo it must help right? :~)

June 6th, 2013: Had a breast MRI and ABUS {Automatic ultrasound of both breasts} which showed a couple other areas of suspicion, which would need to be biopsied, but HEY my bloodwork looks good! :~)

June 11th, 2013: Heart echo, to make sure my heart is healthy to begin treatment {it is!}.

June 13th, 2013: Got to the cancer center at 7:40 am to see if it would be possible to do the new biopsies by ultrasound. It was not, so husband and I left for a while, went to a park and ate some lunch before returning at 1pm for an MRI guided biopsy of 2 areas. It was actually a beautiful day and would have been a great date had the black cloud of breast cancer not been hanging over my head. The MRI guided biopsy was no fun, no fun at all. I had to lay in a weird position for a really long time, which put my arms and one leg to sleep, which made me really cold. I felt like the radiologist doing the biopsy was being pretty rough, I felt quite a bit of pain when being stuck with the anesthesia and I definitely felt the actual biopsies this time. He actually said that my breast tissue was so dense that it bent the needle, and I know I was just emotional, but I felt like he said it in a way that it was my fault. Thank God for Kim, the radiologist's nurse who stood by my head {which had to stuck down a hole so I couldn't see anything, and I also had earplugs in so I couldn't really hear anything, and I usually really like to know what's going on}and held my hands every time I came in and out of that damn machine. She also made sure to cover me with lots of warm blankets when it was all over b/c I was shaking so bad from basically being frozen and having no blood flow in my arms/ one leg. Seriously, I don't recommend that experience at all, it was bad. I know they are "helping me", but I didn't love it and am still pretty angry that I had to do it at all, yet thankful that the doctor got what he needed. I am still waiting on the results from those biopsies and my boob is a mess from it, it's gross. Not to mention the fact that they destroyed a vein in my arm to put in the MRI contrast solution. Boo. We finally got out of there at around 4:30pm, it was SUCH a long day, but it was made a bit better by my parents feeding us some yummy taco salad!

June 14th, 2013 - Treatment day 1: We arrived at the cancer center at 10:30am for a blood draw to check my counts {which were great apparently} and then to meet with Dr. K about the treatment plan. I asked a lot of questions and he seemed smugly confident about this plan. Husband and I like this about him. His confidence gives us confidence and  I am thankful for that. I should also point out that he is really kind, reassuring and "one of the best breast doctors in the area". Treatment was supposed to start at 12:30pm, but of course that didn't happen. No matter though, as this gave us time to meet with a new found friend who has walked in similar shoes VERY recently. She's awesome. She's witty, bubbly, full of LIFE and I can just tell she has the biggest heart and is going to be a source of knowledge and strength through what I know will be a rough time. Plus, she brought us brownies, CHEESECAKE brownies! Who in the world wouldn't love someone who brings brownies? We finally got called back to the treatment room, but we still didn't get started until about 2:30pm. It's really quite sad how many people are there receiving treatment, seriously, what's going on? Why do so many people have cancer? But, I digress, the treatment rooms are little private cubicles. They are nice, semi-spa-like - there is a sink and a TV/dvd player there are a couple of chairs and a lot of outlets to plug in whatever you want. People can visit you as you please, you can eat/ drink whatever you want and you can actually shut the door {I didn't}. It's calm in there. Treatment was pretty much a non-event, one might even call it "boring". I also gave blood to be tested for the evil breast cancer gene and talked to a psychologist, which I hated every minute of {sorry counselor friend in California!}. Ultimately, we were done and out the door around 5pm. It wasn't bad. It really wasn't, it felt GOOD to finally be doing something to fight that nasty little intruder who had been getting to do whatever the heck it wanted! Once home, we watched Anchorman and fell asleep. It was a good night.

So, that is my story in an unbelievably abbreviated version up to now. Currently I am {impatiently} waiting for biopsy results, I JUST got the call that NOTHING was found in the samples from that horror show of a biopsy! This is GOOD NEWS finally!!!! Yay! Thursday I will be having minor surgery to get a port placed so that blood draws/ treatments will be easier and Friday, as long as my blood levels are still good, I will be headed into treatment. We did go ahead and schedule treatment for SUPER early on Friday in order to try and avoid all of the "lag" time, we shall see how it goes, especially following port placement on Thursday evening.

Oh! I almost forgot, HERE is an overview of my diagnosis and treatment plan, I urge my friends and family to NOT google anything, statistics out there right now are old. Like old old old and I am at the best place possible for treatment.

Diagnosis:    Intraductal Carcinoma {IDC} of the right breast and at least 1 axillary lymph node
                   Tumor size: ~2.5cm{pre-surgery, post surgery the tumor bed was found to be 1.6cm}
                   ER/PR + {like really really positive, this is actually "favorable"}
                   HER2neu 2+ {equivocal}
                   Grade 3 {aggressive, as are most tumors in younger women}
                   Stage: I am received chemo first {neo-adjuvant}, so really staging can't truly happen
                              until after surgery, after surgery my stage was found to be stage 2a

I will be participating in a clinical trial where Herceptin {normally given to HER2neu 3+ individuals} is being given to people who are weakly HER2neu "negative" {1+ or 2+}. I have been assured repeatedly that Dr. K has seen good results in people who have similar stats to me {hormone receptor positive/ node positive}, so I am hoping for AMAZING BLOW THEM OUT OF THE WATER results. :~) Although, I don't think feeling the lump 3 days post 1st infusion is really helping, you know, because I expect it to shrink THAT fast!!!! haha.

Treatment:      12x weekly Abraxane {chemo} plus Herceptin {HER2neu receptor blocker}
                     {ONE DOWN!!!!!}

                      2 week break

                      4x bi-weekly Adriamyacin/ Cytoxon {chemo}{so, 8 weeks total}

                      random heart scans, MRIs and ultrasounds throughout.

So that's that. Hopefully we should start seeing some changes in that nasty little invader of my breast. Hopefully the drugs are in there eating away at the effing thing as I type. So, if you want to direct thoughts somewhere, direct them there "tumor being destroyed by medicine". Suck it cancer!

All You Need is Love....and Self Tanner

Since that little jack ass of an invader was found in my breast, the immense amounts of love showered on my family have been down right UNBELIEVABLE!! I knew we had awesome friends and family, but I guess I just didn't quite know HOW awesome they all are, seriously, it's amazing.

Within days of finding out that "TFBBc" was even a possibility {I will tell you the last "Bc" is breast cancer, you can make a guess at the remainder of little acronym!} I received "the blanket". The blanket that is given out by a close group of girlfriends brought together by another medical asshole, pPPROM and the subsequent premature birth of our children, some of whom are thriving beautiful examples of medical miracles that happen every day and some of whom are watching over their families from Heaven and were gone too soon. Most of us have never met, but many of us have received "the blanket" during times of need. Honestly, I hoped never to have a reason to get one, however beautiful it may be, or I hoped that someday someone would say, hey, you know what, let's just make sure everyone has one, regardless of circumstance. Alas, that was not my story, and this situation is SUPER shitty, but that blanket has made me feel wrapped in love and loyalty. It's more than just a symbol of our friendship, I can literally feel these ladies beside me when I am wrapped in the blanket. It has magical powers, healing powers. I know it does.

The blanket was just the first of an avalanche of cards, flowers, Cancer fighting CDs, symbolic starfish earrings {which I lost one almost immediately, then had a dream husband found it and then he DID find it!!!}, candy, sweets, offers to help with our children and to feed us, and offers just to be there and listen. So great. Honestly, again, I wish that nobody ever had to offer these things for this reason, but we are so blessed to have these people in our lives. Thanks friends.

One friend in particular {St. Louis} made me laugh one day, when she sent me a super awesome "F&ck Cancer!" bag to carry with me to my treatments. I carried it proudly my first day of treatment, stuffed with snacks, books and electronics, but when I came home from that first treatment my same sweet friend brought me to sobbing tears of gratitude. She sent me a care package filled with every.single.thing. I had seen mentioned as "helpful" on cancer forums and blogs. To know my friend, who I have only ever met TWICE, was searching the internet the same way I was in an attempt to make things less sucky grew my heart SO SO much. Seriously, she included SELF TANNING LOTION when just that day I had asked my new friend, the girl who has just been through it, if I would get really pale. I like my skin color, I don't want to be really pale and seeing that tanning lotion and some bronzer just made me know that St. Louis GETS IT, she gets it. I know that the vanity stuff isn't the most important and that getting better IS, but I still think about it and that's okay.

Look at this. I just can't believe we are so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives. I know I keep saying it, but it's true and it needs to be said. Husband asks me why I cry whenever someone does something nice for us and my answer is this, "I HATE that people have to be nice to me for this reason, I know it is genuine and true and lovely, but I absolutely hate that "TFBBc" is even around to elicit this kind of response." Does that make sense or does that make me sound crazy on top of everything else?  haha.

We have the best friends. Thank you ALL so much for your generosity and support.