Visualization

Sometimes A lot of the time lately, I struggle with not knowing what is going on inside my body. Strings of questions run on an endless loop through my mind. Did we make the right choice in choosing chemo before surgery? Or should we have gotten TFBBc out as soon as possible? Is the medicine still working? Are the cancer cells dying? What happens if they stop? Are the two lymph nodes we know about the only ones involved? Am I going to have a complete response to treatment? What will we find during surgery? And on, and on, and on...

I've been told that these cycles of worry are normal and tend to come at certain times, for example, at diagnosis, when treatment starts, when treatment ENDS {who would have thunk it?}, at surgery time, etc. I am guessing that this particular cycle of worry has been brought on by the fact that the first leg of my treatment is ending this Friday {God willing!}. Which means, I will be starting new meds in a couple of weeks and I don't know how they will affect me, and that's scary. New is scary, change is scary, and I don't really like surprises. I pray that I tolerate the new treatment well, but I just don't know and not knowing is hard. Super hard.

When I am worrying over not being able to control everything and not  knowing what is going on in my body, I like to picture this:

Yes, I just spent the better part of an hour doing this, but hey, I suppose it's therapeutic, right!?

Just in case you can't tell what's going on in that super lovely mess of a visual, I will explain. Basically, those are Herceptin Cowboys lassoing and tying off blood vessels in order to cut off the blood supply and strangle the primary tumor and the lymph nodes {off to the left} and Abraxane Wizards using their magic in order to stop cell division. Why cowboys and wizards, I don't know, just go with it! The happy little fat guys moving in on the scene are white blood cells. They are there to attack the cancer cells and sweep them away. As you can see, the white blood cells are plentiful and the stupid little cancer cells are not happy. THEY.ARE.GOING.DOWN! I should also state that when I picture this happening, it's to the following part of the song Some Nights by FUN.:

This is it, boys, this is WAR - what are we waiting for?

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

 

Believe me, I know how cheesy that is, BUT that part of the song just makes me think of marching off into battle and I like to picture my powerful white blood cells marching in there and just destroying the heck out of that stupid cancer!

So there you have it, that's what goes on in my mind as I try to picture the medicine and my body working together to eliminate cancer FOR GOOD.

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Now, an update. Last Friday, I had my 11th out of 12 treatments in the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. Everything went pretty well, they did have to count my white blood cells again, but no one is sure why because they were totally fine. My liver enzymes must have gotten back into the normal range because they didn't have to call Dr. K about them, so that's great!  My side effects remain fairly manageable. I have been a bit more tired and I feel kind of "foggy" but other than that I am fine. My biggest struggle is currently my anxiety. The mental part of this battle is pretty hard. So for this week, if you could send your prayers/ energy to the following that would be amazing:

1. That the cancer is eradicated from my body and NEVER returns again! {of course}
2. That ALL of my blood levels remain "good enough" for treatment.
3. That my mind can be still and quiet, at least for a bit, and the anxiety I am feeling can be eased.
4. That the next treatments go as smoothly as possible.{it's a bit early for that one, but let's get a jump on hoping I will still feel good!}
5. That my family and I can enjoy our TWO WEEK chemo holiday after this Friday's treatment! Yay!

Thank you ALL for you continued love and support! I know in my heart that the prayers are working. I can feel it and I believe it! Love to all!

Mommy Guilt 101

I have been having a lot of the dreaded "Mommy Guilt" lately. Most of it has to do with the fact that I feel like a lot of the time my mind is on TFBBc, even when I'm having fun with my family or with the boys, that little B is still at the back of my mind, like ALL.THE.TIME. I suppose this is normal and I get that. I know I have a lot of things to process and work through and blah, blah, blah, but I still don't like that the girl who seems to be running my thoughts is not the girl that's usually in there. I know the girl I am, or was, is there and I still hear her from time to time, but not nearly as often as I would like. {No, I don't generally hear voices, I am speaking metaphorically, haha}. Don't get me wrong, my family and I have been trying to keep things as normal as possible, but that's on the outside, inside my head is a different story.

So where am I going with this, ah yes, Mommy Guilt. Lately, I have been struggling with the fact that the boys are 3 and they should be headed to preschool, at least for a couple of days a week. I see my friend's kids heading to preschool and I just really want that for my boys. I know they would love it. I know that they need it. They talk about wanting to go to school all the time. However, I am worried about sending them because I don't want them to bring home any sickness surprises for me. It truly SUCKS that I feel like the boys shouldn't go to school because I have stupid low white counts and stupid cancer. I HATE it! Not to mention that before all of "this", I was really looking forward to walking their cute little selves up to the school and enjoying some alone time at the grocery store or gym or whatever, but life had other plans and all we can do is roll with it. <--- See there, I suppose I am learning that I can't control everything.

So, here is what we decided to do with all of this. We decided the boys could have school at home a few days/ week and then maybe enroll in "real" preschool at the start of the new year. After all, Mommy WAS a teacher, you know, before being a full time stay at home mama to two maniacs. We started school yesterday, only for about an hour in the morning, and it was INTERESTING! If these kids' "real" teachers don't try and slap them with an ADHD diagnosis on the first day of kindergarten, well, then, I just don't know. haha. Don't worry, today was better. :~)

Some photos of the boys' first day of "school". Here they are, walking down the steps to school {yes, you are seeing a pile of laundry and an exercise ball, standard school faire., practicing writing, and having fun during play time. Emmett was sounding out the letters in his name, so cute. :~)

 A few more, just because. First the boys were sorting dinosaurs by color, then you can see Owen moving his "guy" down our schedule chart while Emmett eats his snack, next a very sad plain bulletin board {seriously, the teacher in me is soooo unimpressed, that thing needs a border!} showcasing some of their sweet work, and finally, a photo where you can see some more of our "school" area. Yes, that is THE leg lamp, yes that is liquor on the wall - don't judge - this is also the room where we host our Christmas parties. Gots to make use of our space you know! ;~)

There you have it, Mommy Guilt = school in the basement/ bar!

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Now an update from cancer land. Last Friday I had my 10th treatment out of 12 of the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. We also met with Dr. K and his nurse practitioner.  Treatment continues to go well, Dr. K is still happy with how the tumor/ nodes are responding to the medicine. I talked to him about how I was worried that I could still feel the nodes, but he was not concerned about this. He says that it may not be that ALL of the cancer is killed by the medicine, but we know this treatment is working and that isn't going to change {I asked if he was sure I wasn't going to wake up and the tumor would be back, he assured me that that won't happen}. Still, I would like to see a complete response at surgery time, of course. I was told by the trial nurse that my labs were "great" but when I got to treatment, the treatment nurse mentioned that my liver enzymes were slightly elevated and that she needed to call Dr. K to see if I could have treatment. He was not concerned and allowed treatment to go on as planned, but I have been worrying like crazy over this. The numbers were very very slightly high, and increased liver enzymes is actually listed as a common side effect for Abraxane, but still, I would rather they were within the normal range. I just don't want to worry about this. :~( Other than that, things went well. I have been a bit more sluggish feeling this time, but still nothing that isn't manageable. So, for this week, here are some specifics to pray/ send energy for:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again! {of course}
2.  That ALL of my blood tests are within an appropriate range for treatment, specifically that my neutrophils are above 1.5 and that my liver enzymes are back steadily within the normal range.
3. That side effects continue to be mild.
4. That I can let go of some Mommy Guilt, have some peace and continue to GET BUSY LIVING!!! This obsessive worrying is for the birds.

Thanks everyone! XO

Running is Stronger Than Cancer and Lemon Pie Sounds Pretty Darn Good

Over the weekend, my husband, my boys, my Stacie, her children, her survivor mama and my Stephanie did the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My husband, the boys and I used some of our fancy credit card points to stay at a hotel near the start of the race. I am sure I sound like a crazy person, but it makes me feel more "normal" to go on these little staycations while we are battling this cancer {yes, WE, my cancer is my husband's cancer, my cancer is my children's cancer, we are in this together, WE are battling this together!}. We played around the hotel and shopping area, went swimming, had a nice dinner out at a favorite Thai noddle shop, and slept on a crazy kind of "bed continent" which we created using our king size, the roll away and two chairs fashioned into a sort of crib type situation.

Hanging out at the Curious George exhibit. Which one is the monkey?

We then woke bright and early after a not so fabulous night of sleep to attend the walk/run {I ran.....the whole thing...I just feel like I need to say that...it makes me feel good...so there!}. I am not sure how it is in other cities, but in our city, there are at least 30,000 people in attendance, it's pretty incredible. Say what you want about Komen, but I was really craving the inspiration that comes from seeing other people who have been through this and have come out the other side. I really wanted to see that I am not alone and that there is LIFE after a cancer diagnosis. It also helped to see {although I am sad to see it} that there are many many women in my age group who are currently on this special little life detour. In fact, I briefly interacted with one woman on the elevator, while running back to the room to grab my headphones, who looked not a whole lot older than me who battled cancer in 1997!!! 1997!!! Oh.my.goodness! She must have been SO young! I didn't really ask her about her story, because I was pretty close to losing it, but she did tell me after asking if I was currently in treatment that, "It get's better, it does." and I believe her, because she knows. Most of the time I am a bit embarrassed by my diagnosis, like I think I should have been smart enough to catch it sooner, or I should have lived my life in a way where it never would have happened in the first place, {which I don't actually believe is possible, no rhyme or reason to this disease!}. However, seeing all of the women, men, families, friends, etc affected by breast cancer made me realize that there is NO WAY I would blame anyone else for their diagnosis, so why in the world am I sitting here blaming myself?  I know I can't change the past, I can't change my diagnosis, but I CAN change what I take away from it.

I'm the one in the hat. ;~) Also, that top left is so dorky, but oh well.

 I am still not sure what I am going to gain from this journey {people always talk about gaining things after cancer}, but I know it's got to be something. I have an inkling that it's going to be a lesson in control, as in "You can't control everything, and you CERTAINLY can't control this!", but I am just not sure. You hear a lot of people saying, "Cancer taught me to appreciate life and really slow down", but I like to think that I already had a pretty darn good appreciation for life. I mean, I already stop and {literally} smell the roses. I already notice on drives home when the moon looks super cool at night, and call my husband to tell him to look as well. I already point out the pretty things in the world to my sweet boys and try to remember to follow their lead and allow them to move at THEIR pace. I try not to hurry and rush my way through life. I try to be aware and in the moment. I smile at people and really really try to see the best in everyone and in the world in general. I truly do believe there is more good than not out there, but maybe I haven't been appreciating the world ENOUGH. Maybe. I just don't know. I know that makes it sound like I think God or some higher power did this to me for some "greater purpose", which I am somehow in charge of figuring out, but I don't really believe that. God doesn't want this, not for me, not for anyone. Ever. I refuse to believe that God said, "Hey, you know what Heather needs? A little bit o' cancer. THAT should really make her love life!". Cancer is stupid and awful and it sucks and it makes God just as sad and angry as it makes me, so no, I don't believe God "gave" me this. I guess what I do believe is that crap just happens sometimes, but it's up to me to try and make something of it.  And THAT RIGHT THERE is something God did give me, the abilty to make something of it. I was given my fight, my ability to hope, my love for life, and my joy in the small things. Not cancer, definitely not cancer.

I guess it's that whole "when life gives you lemons...." thing, right? I have my lemons, now I need to decide what to do with them and right about now, a pie sure is sounding nice. :~)

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That took a little turn at the end I wasn't expecting. Haha, oh well. And now, an update:

Last Friday I had my 9th out of 12 infusions of the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. It was a crappy day. A crap-crap-crappity-crap day. My mom tripped over one of our boys while babysitting and broke her humerus. Bummer. Major major bummer. So this meant I was worried about my mom, worried about the boys being traumatized, and worried because Matt was unable, for the first time, to come to treatment. Matt not being able to attend treatment sent me into a panic. I am a person of ritual, he had been there every time, things had gone well when he was there, what was going to happen if he wasn't able to come? For my friends/ family who have wanted to come to treatments, this is why you haven't been there. It's not because I don't love you or because I don't want you to see it, it's because I need him there, he's my lucky charm, and there is only one chair. :~) Well, anyway, my labs were taking longer than normal to come back and I found out that they were having to count my white blood cells manually because they "might be low". Holy crap. This had never happened before and I started to panic, a lot. A nice volunteer walked in to a crying mess and later came back bearing gifts, so that was nice, she must have felt really bad for me. Eventually, the nurse came in and my counts were "fine", but I made the mistake of asking to see them and then worried over every.single.thing. Ugh. It was not the finest of mornings. Ultimately though, I got my treatment and it did go well, but still. No thanks.

So this week's "begging for prayers/ energy" section is as follows:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body and will NEVER return again. {of course}
2. That on Friday, when we meet with Dr. K, he is still impressed by the progress being made and we can leave the appointment feeling geared up to continue fighting.
3. That my counts are good enough to go forward with treatment, and that we don't have a scare like last week. Seriously. I did not like that.
4. That I can feel peace about the fact that I can still feel the lymph nodes. I have been harboring an insane amount of worry over this lately and it needs to stop. Please just help me to let it go.
5. That we are able to GET BUSY LIVING and enjoy a fantastic weekend with friends, family and food, because there are some super fun things going on!

Thank you everyone for your support. I hope you know how much it means to us. 

She's Got the Look

** Update from my latest appointment follows the post **

Lately I have become that cancer fighter {seriously, who else hates the term "cancer patient"} who doesn't want to leave the house without her wig. In the beginning, I really enjoyed my hats. I thought they were cute in a 1920's sort of way. I always pinned a flower on my hat and a smile on my face. I thought the flower was stylish. I thought the smile and the confidence would act as a sort of repellent to "the look". You know the one I am talking about, the look where when I am taking my boys for a walk and the woman walking towards me can't wipe the sadness and pity off of her face. I know what she is thinking. I know she feels sorry for me and thankful that she isn't in my shoes {actually, maybe she was, I don't know her story}. I know the look probably comes from a place of kindness, but here's the deal. DON'T GIVE ME THE LOOK! Don't waste it on me. Please just smile at me and say hello like you would to anyone else. Please.

I'm a nice girl, I want people to talk to me. I want people to say hello. It's just who I am. On any given trip to the grocery store, I don't leave without having chit-chatty conversations with at least half a dozen people. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the Midwest, but I like this little life where even strangers feel kind of like friends. However, now I am afraid of these conversations. Now I worry about the direction they will take if I'm not wearing my wig. Now I worry that people will stop asking about my sweet boys and start asking about ME. This worry does not come unfounded. Just last week a checker at the grocery store I frequent felt it necessary to tell me that, "She had a friend with breast cancer who died and it was so sad" {and she said this in front of my boys}. How was I supposed to respond to that? I believe I responded with, "Umm....yep, that is sad, but I'm doing well, thanks." Although, I should have responded with my friend Bree's suggestion of, "Yep, that is sad, but you know what else is sad? Having to deal with this stupid disease and also having to interact with morons like you!". Fortunately for the socially clueless checker, I get that she was trying to connect, but that she just did it in a horribly inappropriate way. So, people, DON'T DO THAT!!! I'm not a moron, I know that some people die because of cancer, but I also know that some many many people  SURVIVE and THRIVE because of cancer. They just do. I have seen it and I believe it.

So back to the wig thing. I'm having a hard time wanting to leave the house without it and if you would believe it, I am FEELING GUILTY about this!!!! I am feeling guilty because I read about people who do the whole "bald is beautiful" thing in order to "show cancer that it isn't winning" and to "not hide from cancer". It made me think, am I sending cancer the message that I am afraid? Am I hiding from cancer? Am I somehow lying to myself and others just because I am choosing to wear a wig? Do the "bald is beautiful" girls look down on me? Am I going to get kicked out of the club? Actually, CAN I please please get kicked out of this stupid club, I didn't really want to join anyway? :~) I have been thinking on this quite a bit over the past week {ever since the incident with the checker} and I realized that I am being silly. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't winning is by going on with my normal life, having normal conversations at the grocery store, and smiling unafraid of getting "the look" at the little old ladies in the aisle. MY way of showing cancer that it isn't the boss of me is being comfortable and confident when I go out in public, and my comfortable doesn't currently involve a bald head. Some people can do all of that bald. I can't. I'm not hiding under the wig anymore than I am hiding under my mascara or lip gloss. My wig is that last little touch that makes me feel pretty and more like the girl I AM and not the girl cancer is trying to make me be. So whether bald, adorned with a hat, or wearing a crazy itchy wig, I realize we are all the same. We are all showing cancer that IT IS NOT THE BOSS!! We are all doing what we can to walk through this craptastic journey. We are simply taking different paths. So, suck it cancer, you aren't the boss of me!

***Update on the ultrasound and appt from a couple of weeks ago***

1. The primary tumor is no longer palpable and has shrunk by about 50% as shown on ultrasound. Please pray/ send positive energy/ whatever that the tumor keeps shrinking and is GONE when treatment is complete, or before, I'll take before. :~)
2. The nodes are shrinking a bit, but not as much as I would like them to. I swear they FEEL like they are shrinking more than it says by ultrasound, but whatever. They are beginning to show more features of "normal" nodes, so this is a good thing. The doctors have told me that the nodes take longer and that scar tissue created by dying cancer cells could cause the nodes to not shrink down all the way. However, I would LOVE it if I could no longer feel the nodes. I would LOVE it if they returned to looking completely normal on US. They are a huge worry for me, so I would love that worry to cease. Please send some thoughts/ prayers that way. ** I want to note that the doctors are not worried and are totally please, it's me that holds the worry here **
3. I am continuing to do well with treatments. Please pray that this continues and that my counts stay awesome so that treatments can proceed as planned.
4. Finally, pray that TFBBc is being eradicated from my body and will NEVER EVER return again. :~)

** Also, I have a special request for a friend of mine and her amazing daughters. The younger of which has just undergone a bone marrow transplant to fight leukemia. Her older sister was the brave love and life giving donor. Please pray that the transplant is a success and that her body is able to rest, recuperate and grow stronger. Please also pray for older sis, who is in some pain and has her own battle wounds from her brave act of love. **

Thanks friends, now GET BUSY LIVING!!!