Mommy Guilt 101

I have been having a lot of the dreaded "Mommy Guilt" lately. Most of it has to do with the fact that I feel like a lot of the time my mind is on TFBBc, even when I'm having fun with my family or with the boys, that little B is still at the back of my mind, like ALL.THE.TIME. I suppose this is normal and I get that. I know I have a lot of things to process and work through and blah, blah, blah, but I still don't like that the girl who seems to be running my thoughts is not the girl that's usually in there. I know the girl I am, or was, is there and I still hear her from time to time, but not nearly as often as I would like. {No, I don't generally hear voices, I am speaking metaphorically, haha}. Don't get me wrong, my family and I have been trying to keep things as normal as possible, but that's on the outside, inside my head is a different story.

So where am I going with this, ah yes, Mommy Guilt. Lately, I have been struggling with the fact that the boys are 3 and they should be headed to preschool, at least for a couple of days a week. I see my friend's kids heading to preschool and I just really want that for my boys. I know they would love it. I know that they need it. They talk about wanting to go to school all the time. However, I am worried about sending them because I don't want them to bring home any sickness surprises for me. It truly SUCKS that I feel like the boys shouldn't go to school because I have stupid low white counts and stupid cancer. I HATE it! Not to mention that before all of "this", I was really looking forward to walking their cute little selves up to the school and enjoying some alone time at the grocery store or gym or whatever, but life had other plans and all we can do is roll with it. <--- See there, I suppose I am learning that I can't control everything.

So, here is what we decided to do with all of this. We decided the boys could have school at home a few days/ week and then maybe enroll in "real" preschool at the start of the new year. After all, Mommy WAS a teacher, you know, before being a full time stay at home mama to two maniacs. We started school yesterday, only for about an hour in the morning, and it was INTERESTING! If these kids' "real" teachers don't try and slap them with an ADHD diagnosis on the first day of kindergarten, well, then, I just don't know. haha. Don't worry, today was better. :~)

Some photos of the boys' first day of "school". Here they are, walking down the steps to school {yes, you are seeing a pile of laundry and an exercise ball, standard school faire., practicing writing, and having fun during play time. Emmett was sounding out the letters in his name, so cute. :~)

 A few more, just because. First the boys were sorting dinosaurs by color, then you can see Owen moving his "guy" down our schedule chart while Emmett eats his snack, next a very sad plain bulletin board {seriously, the teacher in me is soooo unimpressed, that thing needs a border!} showcasing some of their sweet work, and finally, a photo where you can see some more of our "school" area. Yes, that is THE leg lamp, yes that is liquor on the wall - don't judge - this is also the room where we host our Christmas parties. Gots to make use of our space you know! ;~)

There you have it, Mommy Guilt = school in the basement/ bar!

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Now an update from cancer land. Last Friday I had my 10th treatment out of 12 of the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. We also met with Dr. K and his nurse practitioner.  Treatment continues to go well, Dr. K is still happy with how the tumor/ nodes are responding to the medicine. I talked to him about how I was worried that I could still feel the nodes, but he was not concerned about this. He says that it may not be that ALL of the cancer is killed by the medicine, but we know this treatment is working and that isn't going to change {I asked if he was sure I wasn't going to wake up and the tumor would be back, he assured me that that won't happen}. Still, I would like to see a complete response at surgery time, of course. I was told by the trial nurse that my labs were "great" but when I got to treatment, the treatment nurse mentioned that my liver enzymes were slightly elevated and that she needed to call Dr. K to see if I could have treatment. He was not concerned and allowed treatment to go on as planned, but I have been worrying like crazy over this. The numbers were very very slightly high, and increased liver enzymes is actually listed as a common side effect for Abraxane, but still, I would rather they were within the normal range. I just don't want to worry about this. :~( Other than that, things went well. I have been a bit more sluggish feeling this time, but still nothing that isn't manageable. So, for this week, here are some specifics to pray/ send energy for:

1. That the cancer is being eradicated from my body NEVER to return again! {of course}
2.  That ALL of my blood tests are within an appropriate range for treatment, specifically that my neutrophils are above 1.5 and that my liver enzymes are back steadily within the normal range.
3. That side effects continue to be mild.
4. That I can let go of some Mommy Guilt, have some peace and continue to GET BUSY LIVING!!! This obsessive worrying is for the birds.

Thanks everyone! XO