Visualization

Sometimes A lot of the time lately, I struggle with not knowing what is going on inside my body. Strings of questions run on an endless loop through my mind. Did we make the right choice in choosing chemo before surgery? Or should we have gotten TFBBc out as soon as possible? Is the medicine still working? Are the cancer cells dying? What happens if they stop? Are the two lymph nodes we know about the only ones involved? Am I going to have a complete response to treatment? What will we find during surgery? And on, and on, and on...

I've been told that these cycles of worry are normal and tend to come at certain times, for example, at diagnosis, when treatment starts, when treatment ENDS {who would have thunk it?}, at surgery time, etc. I am guessing that this particular cycle of worry has been brought on by the fact that the first leg of my treatment is ending this Friday {God willing!}. Which means, I will be starting new meds in a couple of weeks and I don't know how they will affect me, and that's scary. New is scary, change is scary, and I don't really like surprises. I pray that I tolerate the new treatment well, but I just don't know and not knowing is hard. Super hard.

When I am worrying over not being able to control everything and not  knowing what is going on in my body, I like to picture this:

Yes, I just spent the better part of an hour doing this, but hey, I suppose it's therapeutic, right!?

Just in case you can't tell what's going on in that super lovely mess of a visual, I will explain. Basically, those are Herceptin Cowboys lassoing and tying off blood vessels in order to cut off the blood supply and strangle the primary tumor and the lymph nodes {off to the left} and Abraxane Wizards using their magic in order to stop cell division. Why cowboys and wizards, I don't know, just go with it! The happy little fat guys moving in on the scene are white blood cells. They are there to attack the cancer cells and sweep them away. As you can see, the white blood cells are plentiful and the stupid little cancer cells are not happy. THEY.ARE.GOING.DOWN! I should also state that when I picture this happening, it's to the following part of the song Some Nights by FUN.:

This is it, boys, this is WAR - what are we waiting for?

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

 

Believe me, I know how cheesy that is, BUT that part of the song just makes me think of marching off into battle and I like to picture my powerful white blood cells marching in there and just destroying the heck out of that stupid cancer!

So there you have it, that's what goes on in my mind as I try to picture the medicine and my body working together to eliminate cancer FOR GOOD.

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Now, an update. Last Friday, I had my 11th out of 12 treatments in the Abraxane/ Herceptin leg of the trial. Everything went pretty well, they did have to count my white blood cells again, but no one is sure why because they were totally fine. My liver enzymes must have gotten back into the normal range because they didn't have to call Dr. K about them, so that's great!  My side effects remain fairly manageable. I have been a bit more tired and I feel kind of "foggy" but other than that I am fine. My biggest struggle is currently my anxiety. The mental part of this battle is pretty hard. So for this week, if you could send your prayers/ energy to the following that would be amazing:

1. That the cancer is eradicated from my body and NEVER returns again! {of course}
2. That ALL of my blood levels remain "good enough" for treatment.
3. That my mind can be still and quiet, at least for a bit, and the anxiety I am feeling can be eased.
4. That the next treatments go as smoothly as possible.{it's a bit early for that one, but let's get a jump on hoping I will still feel good!}
5. That my family and I can enjoy our TWO WEEK chemo holiday after this Friday's treatment! Yay!

Thank you ALL for you continued love and support! I know in my heart that the prayers are working. I can feel it and I believe it! Love to all!