Thoughts on My Upcoming Surgery

I questioned whether to even publish this post, it's not my normal tone, it doesn't make me sound strong or inspirational or any of the words people tend to use when they are talking to me, but the fact of the matter is THIS is my current truth and this blog is ultimately for me and my thoughts, not for making things seems sparkly and rose colored. So if you don't want to read it, but still want to know how you can support us, please scroll to the bottom, beneath the stars.

I have been asked several times this week how I feel about my upcoming surgery on Friday and mostly I have avoided the question because I don't even want to think about it. I'm not is denial, I know it's happening, I know it HAS to happen, but part of me still can't BELIEVE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO OUR FAMILY!!!! I am incredibly sad and more than a little bit pissed off! I take good care of myself, I exercise, I eat relatively well, certainly as well as most of the people I know, but I still got cancer. Cancer doesn't give a shit. Cancer doesn't care about our plans. Cancer certainly doesn't give a crap about our future or about the fact that we were happy. I hate this. I hate stupid cancer. I hate what it has done to my body and how it has invaded my thoughts. I hate drawing on eyebrows every day so I don't look like an alien. I assure you pony-tail and out the door is easier than no hair and drawing on eyebrows every.single.time. I hate that I have no eyelashes to keep my eyes from watering when the wind blows. I hate searching the internet for things like, "what you need for recovery after a mastectomy". I hate packing hospital bags filled with those necessities. I hate going shopping for clothes that will make it easier for me to dress myself when I can barely use my arms - I'll probably want to burn those clothes, what a waste of money. I hate the thought of needing help to wash my face, get dressed and maybe even shower. I HATE HATE HATE and cry at even the thought of not being able to pick up my boys, they are going to be so sad - I tote them around quite a lot. I hate the thought of being under anesthesia for 6-8 hours. I hate thinking about Matt and our family and friends having to wait and worry during that time. I hate thinking about what recovery will be like. I hate worrying about what will be found during surgery, what the pathology report will show. I hate thinking about all of the things that have been put on hold because of stupid cancer, I know it's not really my fault, but it still makes me sad. I hate, I hate, I hate...

In addition to the constant thoughts of anger toward cancer, the other thought that plays on repeat in my head is "I am sorry.". What am I sorry for? I don't know exactly. To whom am I apologizing? I don't know, but it's always there, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.". I guess I am sorry this happened. I am sorry if I didn't really appreciate my body, or hair, or eyebrows, or breasts as much as I should have. Maybe that's why they had to go, maybe I should have been more thankful for those things? But honestly, who out there sits around being thankful for their dang EYEBROWS every day?!?! I am sorry to my husband because I know this isn't the life he imagined when he chose me. I love him so much and I am sorry because I feel like he kind of drew the short end of the stick when he picked me and my messed up body. I am sorry to my parents, because no parent should have to worry about their child in this way. I am sorry to my boys because I feel like I'm not the mom they deserve right now because instead of just enjoying their sweet little selves, sometimes I am just over taken with fear, anger, and sadness. I am also sorry to God, because sometimes I feel like I must have done something to make this happen, that if I were a better person or made all the right choices this wouldn't be our reality, but it is, so I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry...

I know that was probably a lot to take in. Such a downer post, but like I said, right now...in this moment...it's my truth. I know I could write an even lengthier post about all of the things I am thankful for and everything that makes me smile and all of the things that make this life great, but right now I am just sad and pissed off and wondering that unanswerable question, why? Why us? Why now? Why not in 50 years, or 20 years, or hell, even 15? Why. Why. Why.

If you made it through that, thank you for listening. I can honestly tell you I feel better now having written it all out. Now I can go about my day, spend time with my boys, and enjoy the fact that the sun is shining, the leaves are falling and we've got the whole day ahead of us.

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If you are the praying, hoping, chanting, sage burning, well wishing type we could really use you more than ever right now. Please help us with these things:

1. That the chemo worked, the cancer was eradicated and that it is NEVER coming back again. {obviously!)
2. That I can change my mindset from "I am losing some body parts" to "I will soon be cancer free". Maybe I can even get excited about that like my friend Jenna suggests.
3. That the surgery goes smoothly, my body responds well, and that all of the surgeons, nurses, and doctors have steady hands, caring hearts and healing spirits.
4. That Matt, the boys, our family and our friends can feel peace during the surgery and after. Waiting is hard, certainly harder than being knocked out on an operating table. Also, please make them eat. :~)
5. That recovery goes smoothly and even better than expected. My body is strong despite all of this, I know it is.
6. That there are NO surprises during surgery or pathology and we can move on with our new CANCER FREE lives. :~)