Time to Process...

I realize I never updated after going over the pathology report with my oncologist and the reason is this: I did not like that meeting. It's the first time that I have ever seen my oncologist less than thrilled with the progress that was made and it honestly took quite a while to get the image of him standing there saying, "I'm not very happy" out of my mind. But I've had time to process it now, so here goes.

Now, before you freak out about that statement, the "I'm not very happy", like Matt and I did, there is something you need to know, that's not what he meant - it came out totally wrong. Dr. K's bedside manner is a bit dodgy at times and this was one of those times. The reason I know it's not what he meant is because he said so after he looked at me all confused while I was sitting there on the verge of tears and said, "You don't seem very happy?" to which I replied, "Umm...why would I be happy when you just said YOU aren't happy?". He then went on to explain basically that he WISHED I had had a complete response {don't we all?} and that my nodes had been completely cleared {of course!} and that I didn't have to to radiation {again, don't we all?}. I really believe he was just disappointed that he hadn't given me that miracle, "Oh my goodness it looks like you never even had cancer!", that we had all hoped for in our hearts but knew in our brains wasn't super likely. Next he told me that the features of the cancer that was removed were very favorable, so I did what I didn't think I would ever do {because I never really wanted to know}, and I blatantly asked him what he thought my prognosis was and this is what he said:

"I BELIEVE YOUR PROGNOSIS IS EXCELLENT. I DO NOT THINK YOU WILL RECUR."

I fully realize that he doesn't have a crystal ball and that there is always, always, always a chance for recurrence, no matter how "sure" you are that it won't happen. After all, I have seen stories of women who were stage 1 with no nodes {I am stage 2, with nodes} who go on to recur when everything says they shouldn't. This is a nasty mean little a-hole of a disease. I fully understand that we need to be vigilant and watchful with my care and health and that we will need to do so for years and years and years. I have no intention of getting all cocky about this and slacking on my care because, frankly, that would be stupid on my part and it's unrealistic to think that every.single.cell got annihilated, because we ALL have them floating around! But, I also fully recognize that Dr. K has been doing this for a while and he has seen a lot of patients and read a lot of pathology reports. I trust Dr. K to be my doctor and care for me in the best way he knows how.

Dr. K then proceeded to show me the reasons he believes I have an excellent {his word} prognosis. The fact that the removed cancer {which was small} responded to the herceptin as evidenced by the change in HER2 receptor status was encouraging. There have been studies indicating that change in receptor status has positive effects on outcome. The fact that what remains is HIGHLY estrogen receptor positive is also encouraging. We already know that ER+ cells don't respond all that well to traditional chemotherapy, but it is the ER+ cells that respond to Tamoxifen, so IF there are any cells left floating around in there, they will hopefully be rendered dormant by the little wonder pill, Tamoxifen. In addition to the Tamoxifen, I am also having my ovaries suppressed with Zoladex injections every 3 months in an attempt to shut down estrogen production. If the cells don't have the estrogen, because it's either not there or it's being blocked, they can't divide all willy-nilly like they want. Finally, one of the MOST encouraging things is that my KI67 status {the number that shows how fast the cells are dividing} went from 35% to ONE PERCENT!!!! There have been several studies indicating that people who were not lucky enough to have a pathologically complete response to neoadjuvant chemotherapy, but had a clinical response, had low post-treatment KI67 status, and were ER+ have a comparable prognosis to those people who DO have a complete response {which is excellent!}.

So all in all, the meeting wasn't BAD, it was actually pretty good, as indicated by the only statement that really matters, the one in bold above. But the initial shock of "I'm not very happy." was hard to swallow. Thank GOD Dr. K's wonderful nurse practitioner was in the room to step in and let us know what he was really trying to say. Thank GOD Dr. K spoke up when he was confused about my "unhappiness" so that he could clarify why he said he wasn't happy. Thank GOD that the nurse practitioner was willing to sit with us for an extra 30+ minutes to reassure us and answer our questions. Thank GOD I live in a place where I can get the kind of treatment and care I am getting.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future and I completely trust Him to take care of me and my family.

Now we move forward. Onward, to radiation and tamoxifen and ovarian suppression and herceptin and healing and reconstruction and GETTING BUSY LIVING!!

Thanks for being there friends, and for waiting extra long for this update. XO

Meeting with the Breast Surgeon, the Pathology Report

The following was originally posted to Facebook, but needed to be posted here as well.

Got the path report today, things look good. More than 80% of the original tumor was destroyed, margins are totally clean, I still had 2 positive lymph nodes {which is what we thought - they were also changed by chemo, just not sure how much - have been having nightmares all week that they would find a HUGE number of positive nodes}, and the overall characteristics of what they took out are favorable. I won't get into all of the specifics of the characteristics, but to sum up, it's good news. It was never expected that NOTHING would be found during surgery, it's extremely rare to have a complete response and even more rare when your tumor is as highly Estrogen/ Progesterone positive as mine was. The point is, it's all out now, which was the point of surgery. Any stray cells will be destroyed by tamoxifen, which I will start taking after my probable radiation, will be the biggest weapon in the fight against recurrence, it's an amazing drug targeted at cells that are Estrogen positive. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers, they continue to work, and God continues to remind me that my soul remembers how my body was made. Now, we FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with good care, good food, good exercise, and a healthy spirit to keep the beast away!

After the Surgery, an Update

 The following was originally posted on Facebook, however, I thought I should put it here as well, especially after the "downer" tone of my last post - people might be wondering what the heck happened to me! :~)

Here is a little {long} update for everyone, I guess I should just put it on the ol' blog, but the effort just isn't there right now, so pre-applause for you if you make it to the end. Just wanted you all to know that I am doing well. We are staying at my in-laws for a while so that Matt can have help with the boys while he needs to tend to me at times {people are in and out of our house all day though, so no thieving people, haha!}. I am feeling pretty good. I decided Monday that I was going to stop taking the oxy {because I hate it and it gives me headaches}, then I decided that I didn't want the morphine anymore {for some TMI reasons I won't mention here}, then I decided I only need the valium at bed time {because lets be realistic, valium is awesome!}. So basically, I am taking ibuprofen, an antibiotic and then valium for sleep as well as my regular vitamins and stuff like that. I went out to lunch and for a pedicure with Stacie which was SO NICE since I couldn't get them during chemo! So yes Darin, it was definitely a necessary expense.

The breast surgeon {Dr Mc} was really pleased with how the surgery went, she was able to feel one firm node {which we knew about} when she did the axillary dissection, she said that there were no surprises, but like I have said before we won't know of the status of the other nodes/ tumor until path comes back. She also said that the OR was really quiet and calm, that she was able to give Matthew the most accurate time frame she has ever given and that she listened to classical music as per my request {she loves it as well and it's supposed to aide healing}. Have I mentioned how much I love her? She even told me that she loved the fact that I have a little stuffed animal as a "good luck charm" and that she has a soft spot in her heart for stuffed animals. Now you all probably think I am a dork, but oh well. She's just the sweetest, smartest, most competent surgeon I could have asked for. I felt very well cared for. The plastic surgeon {Dr. B} was SUPER excited that she was able to fill my expanders up quite a bit {she's quite a hoot as well - dropping f-bombs and everything - and she has EIGHT rescue dogs!}, in fact she ran out to the waiting room and told everyone that she "filled me up and I was going to wake up with boobs!" I can't imagine how uncomfortable that conversation made my dad, haha!

So now, we are waiting on the pathology report, which we will receive on Thursday. So we hope and pray that there are no surprises in there. The cancer is out of my body regardless, which is the point of surgery, and the chemo's job was to mop up anything the escaped, but I still don't want to hear that there was more evil in there than we thought. It's just hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am now considered "cancer free" ~ at least that's what everyone says after you have surgery! Even though those words are nice, I feel like it's important for me to add that we will ALWAYS {as will anyone with this diagnosis} have to be aware of checking for recurrence as it is a possibility until I am super old, surrounded by grandkids, and die of something else. It's just the nature of this stupid dumb disease. For now though, we celebrate the fact that surgery removed that beast and we hope that chemo mopped up the rest and we remember that there is a full arsenal of tools in our warrior bank.

So anyway, that's that for now. OH! And the boys are being great, Owen looks SO proud of himself every time he gives me a "gentle hug". Emmett is having some strong emotions, but that's to be expected. He seems to be getting his feelings hurt pretty easily, but we are dealing. There have been a few more time-outs than normal, but we need to stick to our rules and routine.

So, please hope/ pray/ chant/ burn sage/ dance naked under the moon for us that the pathology report comes back with no bad surprises and that we can go forward with the next phases of treatment with ease {likely radiation, herceptin, tamoxifen and then reconstruction of my bionic breasts}.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers and for checking in with my loved ones throughout what was a VERY long day as I didn't get into a room until NINE PM because there wasn't one open {we got to the hospital at 6am}!! And, yes, they did eat, I guess I was a little bit annoyingly obsessed with that one, sorry. :~)

Thoughts on My Upcoming Surgery

I questioned whether to even publish this post, it's not my normal tone, it doesn't make me sound strong or inspirational or any of the words people tend to use when they are talking to me, but the fact of the matter is THIS is my current truth and this blog is ultimately for me and my thoughts, not for making things seems sparkly and rose colored. So if you don't want to read it, but still want to know how you can support us, please scroll to the bottom, beneath the stars.

I have been asked several times this week how I feel about my upcoming surgery on Friday and mostly I have avoided the question because I don't even want to think about it. I'm not is denial, I know it's happening, I know it HAS to happen, but part of me still can't BELIEVE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO OUR FAMILY!!!! I am incredibly sad and more than a little bit pissed off! I take good care of myself, I exercise, I eat relatively well, certainly as well as most of the people I know, but I still got cancer. Cancer doesn't give a shit. Cancer doesn't care about our plans. Cancer certainly doesn't give a crap about our future or about the fact that we were happy. I hate this. I hate stupid cancer. I hate what it has done to my body and how it has invaded my thoughts. I hate drawing on eyebrows every day so I don't look like an alien. I assure you pony-tail and out the door is easier than no hair and drawing on eyebrows every.single.time. I hate that I have no eyelashes to keep my eyes from watering when the wind blows. I hate searching the internet for things like, "what you need for recovery after a mastectomy". I hate packing hospital bags filled with those necessities. I hate going shopping for clothes that will make it easier for me to dress myself when I can barely use my arms - I'll probably want to burn those clothes, what a waste of money. I hate the thought of needing help to wash my face, get dressed and maybe even shower. I HATE HATE HATE and cry at even the thought of not being able to pick up my boys, they are going to be so sad - I tote them around quite a lot. I hate the thought of being under anesthesia for 6-8 hours. I hate thinking about Matt and our family and friends having to wait and worry during that time. I hate thinking about what recovery will be like. I hate worrying about what will be found during surgery, what the pathology report will show. I hate thinking about all of the things that have been put on hold because of stupid cancer, I know it's not really my fault, but it still makes me sad. I hate, I hate, I hate...

In addition to the constant thoughts of anger toward cancer, the other thought that plays on repeat in my head is "I am sorry.". What am I sorry for? I don't know exactly. To whom am I apologizing? I don't know, but it's always there, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.". I guess I am sorry this happened. I am sorry if I didn't really appreciate my body, or hair, or eyebrows, or breasts as much as I should have. Maybe that's why they had to go, maybe I should have been more thankful for those things? But honestly, who out there sits around being thankful for their dang EYEBROWS every day?!?! I am sorry to my husband because I know this isn't the life he imagined when he chose me. I love him so much and I am sorry because I feel like he kind of drew the short end of the stick when he picked me and my messed up body. I am sorry to my parents, because no parent should have to worry about their child in this way. I am sorry to my boys because I feel like I'm not the mom they deserve right now because instead of just enjoying their sweet little selves, sometimes I am just over taken with fear, anger, and sadness. I am also sorry to God, because sometimes I feel like I must have done something to make this happen, that if I were a better person or made all the right choices this wouldn't be our reality, but it is, so I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry...

I know that was probably a lot to take in. Such a downer post, but like I said, right now...in this moment...it's my truth. I know I could write an even lengthier post about all of the things I am thankful for and everything that makes me smile and all of the things that make this life great, but right now I am just sad and pissed off and wondering that unanswerable question, why? Why us? Why now? Why not in 50 years, or 20 years, or hell, even 15? Why. Why. Why.

If you made it through that, thank you for listening. I can honestly tell you I feel better now having written it all out. Now I can go about my day, spend time with my boys, and enjoy the fact that the sun is shining, the leaves are falling and we've got the whole day ahead of us.

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If you are the praying, hoping, chanting, sage burning, well wishing type we could really use you more than ever right now. Please help us with these things:

1. That the chemo worked, the cancer was eradicated and that it is NEVER coming back again. {obviously!)
2. That I can change my mindset from "I am losing some body parts" to "I will soon be cancer free". Maybe I can even get excited about that like my friend Jenna suggests.
3. That the surgery goes smoothly, my body responds well, and that all of the surgeons, nurses, and doctors have steady hands, caring hearts and healing spirits.
4. That Matt, the boys, our family and our friends can feel peace during the surgery and after. Waiting is hard, certainly harder than being knocked out on an operating table. Also, please make them eat. :~)
5. That recovery goes smoothly and even better than expected. My body is strong despite all of this, I know it is.
6. That there are NO surprises during surgery or pathology and we can move on with our new CANCER FREE lives. :~)

One Week and Three Days

It's been one week and three days since my last {please GOD let it be my last!!} chemotherapy treatment ever and one week and three days since I saw a wave of KINDNESS spread across several countries and straight into my heart. I am SO PROUD of my friends, family and even some strangers, so, so proud!  SO.MUCH.GOOD was sent out into the world on that day, which was a REEEAAAALLLLLLY LOOOONNNGGG day, and it made my "time in the spa chair" so much better seeing all of the good deeds pop up on my various social media accounts! Cookies for teachers, lattes for strangers, cupcakes baked by my SIL {which I handed out to the nurses and doctors and they LOVED THEM!!}, meals paid for, gas pumped, help for neighbors, reminders to "check your boobies", food and clothing donated, money to various organizations across the globe, treats for women on bedrest, flowers for people grieving their loved ones, time spent with me and the hubs and a SUPER late lunch {Thanks Shelley for waiting it out with us!}, meal fixins' for an awesome soup, flowers from family, a gift card for pizza night from some old friends/ coworkers, and the makings for the perfect family movie night waiting on our doorstep, all of it made for an awesome day! Thank you for helping me turn a perfectly craptastic situation into something wonderful.

It's been one week and three days of soaking up all of the normal we can, which is a bit difficult with my current situation of a HORRIBLY sore mouth, yuck. I didn't have this issue all through chemotherapy, but now TA-DA!!! I love food and not really being able to eat is a huge bummer. Frown. We've been soaking up the normal, 1) because that's how we roll and 2) because I have SURGERY coming up on Friday the 15th of November. To say I am nervous would be a gross understatement, to say I am not second guessing every decision we have made would be a gianormous lie. I.AM.WORRIED. That's all there really is to it. Worried about what they will find during surgery {which I pray is a completely destroyed tumor and clean lymph nodes}, worried about actually having surgery, worried about recovery, worried about pain, worried about needing help, worried about scaring the boys, etc etc etc. Worry doesn't do any good, it only steals the joy from right now and it certainly doesn't solve anything, but sometimes I just can't stop myself which is pretty upsetting to me. So, here are a few pictures of what we have been doing over the past 10 days to keep the worry from stealing the joy. :~)

Celebrating Halloween with the Minions.

Visiting the new penguins.

Having leaf fights with cousins.

Being weird for the camera.

Chasing Mommy through the trails.

Now, if you are the praying/ wishing/ hoping/ chanting/ good vibe sending type, we could really use your help right now in these areas:

1. That the chemo did it's job, the cancer was destroyed and it will NEVER return again! {obviously}
2. That tomorrow's breast and lymph node ultrasound shows that the tumor/ nodes responded really well to the full course of chemotherapy.
3. That tomorrow's blood work looks A-okay.
4. That tomorrow's discussion with the breast surgeon leaves us feeling good about the decisions we have made and good about the upcoming surgery.
5. That the next days leading up to the surgery can be filled with JOY and LOVE and PEACE and ORDINARY!

Can you tell tomorrow is going to be a big stressful day? Thanks for being there friends. XO

Four, Three, Two...

We have done a few things over the past few days to add to our good deed countdown:

1. We donated a large bag of the boys' too small clothing to the Clay County Clothes Closet. We have donated clothes to this organization on numerous occasions and it never actually appears to be open, so I really hope the boys' old clothes is going to families who need it!
2. My sweet husband donated some of his hard earned monies to a coworker who is raising money for Relentless Detroit {Go Paul!}, an organization that helps children and families of children with terminal or lifelong illness. If you want to donate to Paul's cause, just click on the link there, it can be your good deed for the day. :~)
3. We put quarters in the carts at Aldi AGAIN, now that the boys have done it once, I don't think we will get out of there without putting quarters in the carts. ;~) And yes, I was at Aldi again, they had a really great deal on some Halloween decorations and I just HAD to go back for more, you know how it is. :~) Also, while I was at Aldi buying MORE Halloween decorations, someone did my FAVORITE good deed for me, a nice older lady let the boys and I go in front of her in line because we only had a few things. I LOVE when people do that! I am sure she knew that sometimes waiting in line to pay is the worst time for young kids. Yay lady!
4. I did the unplanned good deed {really this isn't a good deed, it's something any citizen should have done} of returning a boy who appeared to be about 15 months old or so to his father. The boy was playing at an indoor play place, but had somehow made it to the exit of the building without anyone noticing {which is where we found him}. I walked him back to the play place where I found his dad who hadn't noticed he was missing. I get it, when the boys were that age they ran out of that SAME play area ALL.THE.TIME!!!

I am really hoping that tomorrow I see some of YOU post your good deeds here or on my facebook timeline and tag me! Seeing good deeds pop up will be a PERFECT celebration to the end of chemo!

On that note, if you are the praying/ finger crossing/ chanting/ energy sending/ well wishing type, please send some good juju my way for the following:

1. That the chemo is doing is job and eradicating the cancer from my body so that it will NEVER return again! {obviously}
2. That my blood work all looks "good enough" so that I can follow through with my LAST CHEMO HOPEFULLY EVER!!
3. That the side effect remain manageable so that I can do some fun celebrating with my family/ friends and get things ready for Halloween next week!
4. That I have a clear mind so that I can remember to ask Dr. K all of my questions about finishing this portion of treatment and what comes next.
5. That I can be at peace with chemo ending, I know it probably seems insane, but its scary to think about not getting it. It becomes a bit of a safety net and as I have stated before, change is hard.
6. That I can find some clarity about my upcoming surgery, I am conflicted about a couple of things and I just need some peace.

Thanks friends! I hope to see many of you celebrating with me tomorrow by doing good deeds! XO

FIVE...and a CHALLENGE!!

FIVE - The boys and I put quarters in the carts at Aldi {a discount food store where you have to put in a quarter to get a cart}. You DO get your quarter back, but I figured this way people would either GET an extra quarter or pass on the quarter to someone else. :~) We actually saw a couple go up to put a quarter in and notice that they didn't need one and then smile and point to all of the other carts with quarters in them, so that was nice.

 

Emmett and Owen spreading the love at Aldi.

And now the CHALLENGE: I would love to challenge all of my friends and family to do a good deed on Friday, or before, or after, or every day, but on FRIDAY I would love it if you would do a good deed or a random act of kindness and SHARE IT WITH ME! You can share your deeds on my facebook wall {if you are my friend}, or in the comments here, or by email, or with the hashtag {sorry Jimmy and Justin} #10gooddeeds on facebook or instagram. I really think that seeing a wave of LOVE and KINDNESS spread through the world on Friday would be the perfect way for me to celebrate FINISHING CHEMO {hopefully forever!!!}. Please help me spread the love by sharing this with your friends and family.

Thanks All! #10gooddeeds