On a Cancer Free Day

This entry has been floating around in my head for a while and a texted conversation with a friend brought it back to the surface a couple of days ago.

As someone who has had cancer, recently finished chemotherapy, had surgery and is currently in radiation the following question is not uncommon:

"So...are you cancer free now?"

Seems like a simple question, one that would require only a simple "yes" or "no" answer, right? It gets asked at Thanksgiving, at the grocery store, over the phone, on Facebook, at the library, any number of places while going about my daily business. I know the people who ask it are worried and they want to be  reassured that I am okay, but "cancer free" means so much more than having "no evidence of disease". So for many of us, us being those who were unfortunate enough to hear the phrase, "I'm sorry, but it's cancer", it's a struggle to answer that seemingly simple question. First, we worry that if we say, "YES!" we are somehow jinxing ourselves right into hearing those dreaded words again. Because hearing 'the words" in the first place has made us just a *tiny* bit irrational. But at the same time we WANT to say yes. We WANT to sound completely and totally optimistic and hopeful. Because that's what we WANT to believe to be true, just as much as you do. Next, we worry that if we say, "I don't know..." or "That's what they say!" or "That's the hope!" that we somehow come off sounding negative or ungrateful or like we don't really know what the heck is going on which would equally jinx us right into hearing those words again! {you know, because we didn't appreciate our "cancer free" time enough} So usually, our answer {or at least mine} sounds something like this:

"Uuuuhhhh....ummm....well, there is currently no reason to think otherwise."

How vague and annoying is that answer? I mean seriously. And now that I type it, I think it also comes off a bit negative and like I don't know what the heck is going on! However, it is what it is, currently there is "no evidence of disease" and "no reason to believe there is anything lurking". But oh how I wish I were brave enough to just shout, "YES! I am cancer free!" Here's the deal though, once you have heard "the words" it's hard to truly and fully BE cancer free ~ even when there is no evidence of disease in the body. Cancer does so much more than attack the body. It comes at your mind like the sneakiest of ninjas, attacking your thoughts, your hopes, and your dreams, your very foundation, your understanding of the way things "should" be.  Even after the physical cancer has been removed from the body, even after you have been told "it's out, it's gone, you're cancer free, everything we are doing now is just to keep it away" the mental cancer is still there, creeping into the darkest spaces of your mind, making your heart race and blood pressure rise, causing your palms to sweat and your face to go numb at the strangest of times, often when you were JUST thinking that everything was okay. It takes longer to eradicate the mental cancer, it's sneaky. It requires much more time to heal. It's still early days for me. I'm still in treatment after all and going to radiation EVERY DAY certainly doesn't help matters, but at this point I'm not sure if I will ever have a truly "cancer free day". So far it hasn't happened. Sure, there are some amazing cancer free minutes and even some stretches of intoxicating cancer free hours, but never an entire day. At least not yet. Until there is a day where posts of bone aspirations, cancerversaries, scans, biopsies, medications, side effects, and endless colors of awareness ribbons don't litter my Facebook feed, until THAT can happen, I can't possibly go a day being "cancer free". None of us can. I guess the simple answer to the not so simple question is this:

"Until there is NO cancer, there will be NO cancer free."